So Here We Are

I’ve been home from Canada for over a week now……sorry I haven’t posted anything lately…..I’ve had this urge to post, but truly just couldn’t convince myself that what I had to say was important enough to put out there for people to see. Today I decided I was going to write a post and not worry about if people would respond well, or respond at all. So here we are.

This past week has been up and down. I was still running on a bit of a high from being on vacation for a week, but then my first 2 days back at work were two of the most busy days I have ever had at work. I started this job in October last year, and this past week I had two days in a row with more than one guest coming in back to back…..Tuesday I had 3 guests come in with no more than 20 minutes between them. My job is to help people having a mental health crisis……so it’s not just people come in and stay a few minutes and leave, it’s they come in, go through an assessment, then come back and talk with me for no shorter than 45 minutes, then they go through an exit assessment and then I have paperwork to enter into the computer. the whole process usually takes about 60-90 minutes per individual, sometimes more. We are only open from 3-9 pm so when 3 people come in to utilize our services all on the same night, it can be a bit overwhelming…..especially because I was the only one working, I didn’t have a co-worker those days last week. We usually have 2 of us there so as to be able to help everyone more efficiently, but my co-worker called in those days.

Then, I had ECT treatment on Friday, so I was down for the count for most of the day. I am glad this treatment is available to me as it seems to be very efficient combine with my daily medications. I have ECT 1x a month so as to help boost the effects of my medication and help to keep my depression and anxiety stable.

Saturday, my grandpa fell down and my grandma couldn’t get him back up. He was complaining his back was hurting him really bad, so grandma called the ambulance and they took him to the ER where they did cat scans and x-rays to make sure nothing was broken. All the tests came back fine, and they sent him home with pain meds. Yesterday, however, pa woke up in tremendous pain and was unable to move to get himself out of bed. Grandma called 911 again and the paramedics again took him to the hospital where they ran tests again to make sure nothing was indeed broken and they ended up admitting him because of the amount of pain he was experiencing. They were trying to get him into the rehab facility portion of the hospital, but the Dr. said he probably wouldn’t qualify and that they were going to look into nursing homes for him to recover at. Pa was really confused, the pain meds didn’t help, and he kept asking where he was and why he was there and tried getting out of bed, so they had to put an alarm on his bed and they had a nurse sitting with him all the time in his room. I feel bad for Pa and Grandma alike. I feel bad for Pa because I know he’s in pain and just wants to be home. I feel bad for Grandma because I know she’s hurting watching her love go through what he’s going through. She had promised him she’d never put him into a nursing home and I though he probably wouldn’t remember it, she would, and it hurts her to see him deteriorating. It hurts all of us. I have a close relationship with my grandparents, and I talk to grandma at least 4x a week. It’s hard knowing they won’t be here forever, and that the time is fading fast.

Today I was supposed to work, but I told my boss what was going on with my grandpa, and before I even had a chance to ask for today off of work she said to me “you’re lucky to still have your grandparents around, you need to go spend time with them” and she told me not to come to work today. What a blessing.



Temple Bay Lodge Fishing Trip

WOW!!! What a week! I have been in Canada at Temple Bay Lodge since Saturday June 11th. I was up there with my dad and a family friend Steve for a week long fishing trip. We got home yesterday. The week was AMAZING. I had soooooo much fun! We caught lots of fish, laughed a lot, and just made memories to never be forgotten. This was my 7th time at this fishing lodge and I really just enjoy the scenery, the accommodations, and the fishing is great. We came home with a cooler full of filleted fish ….. just about 70 fillets, and it is all now in our freezer waiting for our family fish fry.

The scenery was beautiful, and we saw a TON of eagles! We even threw a couple fish in (dead) to feed the eagle and we got some cool pictures.

We had a guide for the first 3 days, his name was Miah. He was hilarious. He took us to all the “hot spots” on the lake and on the first day we caught well over 100 fish. They have limits to how many of each fish you can keep and certain sizes of each fish you can’t keep because they are in the spawning size… we did a lot of catch and release, but like I said, we kept a ton too.  The days we were with the guide, we did shore lunch. We met up with another guide and the people on his boat, and the guides made fried fish, baked beans, corn, and potatoes. I really enjoyed the potatoes……I don’t actually eat fish, so I didn’t have that, but dad and Steve say the fish was amazing!

We were up every day at 5 am to be at breakfast by 6 am and out on the boat by 7 am every day. We would come in about 3:30/ 4 o’clock pm every day. It rained on Wednesday so we decided to not go out fishing that day. Instead we stayed at the lodge, relaxed, did some laundry, and just hung out.

The biggest fish caught this week was a 40 inch Northern Pike, caught by Steve, and I caught the second largest which was a 35 inch Northern Pike. My dad caught a really nice bass that was 14 1/2 inches, but he had to throw it back because bass are spawning right now and we couldn’t keep anything over 13 inches. But we got a picture!

The drive was 14 hours one way, so on the way home and the way back we split it up into two days. We left Friday June 10th about 1 pm and got to the lodge on Saturday the 11th about 2:30 pm. Then coming home we left the lodge Friday about noon (we went out fishing from 7 am- 11 am) and we got home Saturday at 12:30 pm. It was a long time in the car, but it was in it’s own way relaxing. I really enjoyed spending this time with my dad and Steve. They both mean the world to me and I couldn’t have asked for better people to spend a week fishing with. Below are just a few pictures from the trip. DSC_1742DSC_1870DSC_1885DSC_1897DSC_2010DSC_2148IMG_0153IMG_4251IMG_4256IMG_4263

Early Birthday Present

So yesterday I got an amazing early birthday present from Steve Jones and Kati Jones. This fishing trip dad, Steve and I are going on this coming week is in part to celebrate my 30th bday and dads 60th bday this year. Steve came over yesterday and gave me a hand crafted fishing rod that he made for me. He made one for my dad too. It’s amazing! I absolutely LOVE it and cannot say enough thank you’s. I am so excited to get to use it this coming week in Canada!!

29 Years Old And It Still Bothers Me

I’m 29, going to be 30 in July. I still live at home with my parents due to not being able to afford to live on my own. I pay them rent each month and I do my own laundry and food and all that, but I’m in the same house as they are. I don’t mind so much, I love my parents, and I know they love and support me, but on the other hand I also want to be on my own too. I have a part time job. I tried working full time and was unable to handle it…..I crashed mentally and emotionally. So I took a break from work for some time and just did volunteering, keeping a schedule, but had less pressure. Then I was able to get a part time job….I work 3 nights a week from 3-9pm, and I also do speaking engagements for my work, speaking at high schools, hospitals, and police training’s sharing my story and talking about mental health education. The speaking however doesn’t have a set schedule, so it varies how many times I speak per month. Therefore, my income is ok, it just isn’t enough to live on my own, unfortunately. Anyway, I got off track with all that…..what I came on here to write about today was the relationship of my parents. They have been married 34 years and my mom grew up in California, my dad in Illinois. My mom has mental illness too, however I  believe she is misdiagnosed. They say she just has depression, but I really feel there’s more to it…..maybe bipolar or borderline…..but I’m not a doctor so I can’t really make that determination. Anyway, my mom over the last few years has been saying how she hates it here in IL, she wants to be by an ocean and that my dad told her before they got married that they would move to the coast later in life. Well, here we are 34 years later and they still live in IL. The thing is is that my dad doesn’t recall ever saying that to her, and my mom is holding it over his head saying she is miserable here and that he lied to her and that if he really loved her he would move …..and it goes on and on. We went to family therapy for 3 years…..for at least 2 of those years it was mostly mom and dad only going for more marriage counseling than anything. My mom kept bringing all this up saying how unhappy she is and that she can’t believe dad lied to her etc. The counselor told her she had a choice then and she has a choice now, she can stay here with the family and my dad , or she can move to the coast, but she has to quit beating my dad up over something that he doesn’t even remember saying……AND that even if he did say that to her, it wasn’t a lie…at that time in their lives he truly believed they would one day move to a coast, that things change in life and that is one of the things that changed. She told my mom that a lie is when someone INTENTIONALLY tells someone one thing but knows it will never happen. What my dad did was not a lie. My mom just holds it over his head constantly. She is always angry and argumentative, and  it doesn’t help that she’s been having memory issues lately where she wont remember things said to her 10 minutes before….she goes to a Dr. appointment and will come home and forget what the appt. was for or what was said. She has a response to everything said to her, and it seems like she always has to one up you when you say anything to her, or she will argue whatever you say. SOOO…..the other night, Tuesday, mom dad and I got home from dinner and she was talking about some stuff and I just asked her if her psych dr. knew about the memory issues, she said “I don’t know” I said “I think it would be a good idea for dad or I to go to these appts. with you” she got all angry and just shut down. I said to her “I feel like maybe you aren’t being 100% honest about how you’re feeling with your therapist and psychiatrist. I think that because you come home from therapy saying that your therapist is happy with where you are at and that you’re doing really good right now, but at home I see you crying a lot, forgetting things, and being angry all the time” She then started the arguments …..I was just talking to her, in a calm tone and she blew up. She said “I’m fucking miserable here, and if you (my dad) hadn’t lied to me maybe i’d be happier” well then it all went down hill from there. My mom crying and screaming at my dad and my dad trying to stay as calm as possible and not react in a way that would set her off more…..well, I think him not really reacting to things ended up setting her off anyways. She said screw you I’m leaving, she got in the car and left. She turned off her phone and we had no contact with her at all. My dad said not even to try calling that she had to blow off her steam and she was just looking for us to break and call her home. So I quit trying to call her….I was only getting the voicemail anyways. She ended up being gone until really late in the night, but she did come home. The next day she was bitchy as hell. She seemed to be ok with me, but towards my dad she was just a bitch.

This is just one time all this has happened……it’s happened before, and I hate to think it will happen again. I hate to think that my mom is so miserable. It hurts that being by an ocean is more important to her than being here with dad my sister and I. I hate that. I hate that my dad says things like “I don’t want to get a divorce, but she’s really pushing the line here”. Things like this bother me. They set me off, they get me thinking about all types of things and it makes me feel out of control… reality I am not in control of this situation at all and so I have a right to feel out of control…..but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t worry so much about it…’s my parents problem not mine…..but because I live in the same house I am around it all the time……it sucks, and it’s not good for me either, no matter what age I am.

I have this anger towards my mom that conflicts with the overwhelming love I have for her too. I want to be with her and spend time with her, but at the same time I don’t like being around her either. I hate that.

I just want this all to resolve……I want it all to go back to when I know my mom and dad were both happy together.  I want to know that my mom loves me more than an ocean, and I want to just be happy being around my mom again….not just doing things with her or being around her because I feel like I have to.