I just posted right before this about how my cousin had her baby earlier this week. I cannot even begin to express the amount of excitement, pride, and just joy this brings to not only me, but every member of my family. We are all so happy she is finally here. So happy she is healthy. So happy to have an addition to the family. Grandma is is just ecstatic to finally be a “GG” or Great Grandma. My Aunt and Uncle are so proud to finally be grandparents, and I am just so excited for my cousin, her fiance, the family, that we have a new addition to the family as a whole, and I’m excited to watch her grow up, become her own self, and to discover everything there is around her.
I have all this excitement, but at the same time I am finding myself looking at my own self, my own life, as a result of this new beginning and change. Please don’t get me wrong, I love this baby with all my heart, I am so so so happy to have her in this world, to be part of her family, and to have the opportunity to be part of her life. All I am saying is with all this excitement going on, I have started to look at where I am in my life compared to where my cousin (who is 2 years younger than I am) is in hers. I know, I know, we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but I have, and I wanted to just let it out a bit. I am 30 years old. I still live at home with my parents because I haven’t been able to work for a long time due to my mental illness. I just started a part time position about a year ago, and it is going really really well, I can only hope that eventually it will lead to a full time position and I will be able to make enough money to be on my own. Anyway, I don’t have a boyfriend, and like I said, I live with my parents. I spend my free time helping my grandparents and doing things for my parents, but I also have a couple friends I occasionally go to lunch with or spend time with. I also have found a new church home and have really been trying to become more involved there. I can’t complain about where I am in life, I am lucky to even be alive. I attempted suicide multiple times in my past and I have fought hard to get through all I have been dealt. I just naturally, as anyone would, wish I was further along. Wish I was somewhere else in my life. I wish I could meet the standards that society sets for where I should be at this point in my life. I wish I had a boyfriend, I wish I lived on my own, I wish I was at a point where I was starting my own family like my cousin. I guess in some ways you could say I’m jealous of my cousin. Jealous that she is where I want to be. That she doesn’t have a mental illness that makes life that much harder. I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I just know that I wish my life were different. I know my story and my struggles have helped many people, I know this illness happening to me has it’s purpose, and I know I need to trust God and His ways and His plan for my life. I guess I just wanted to know, does anyone else ever feel like they are behind where they should be in life? Am I alone in this feeling? Is it wrong to feel this way?
I absolutely love Abby, the new baby. I cannot wait to be able to hold her and love her, and spoil her. I cannot wait for all the life lessons I can teach her, and even more so the life lessons she will most likely teach me.