A lot has happened over the last month or so. I told you all about the loss of a dear friend, and I miss him dearly, and it just kills me to watch his mom, one of my closest friends, struggle through the loss of her son. All I can do is love her, give her hugs, encourage her and let her know that I don’t understand what it’s like to lose a child, but I can imagine the pain she is in, and I am always available to listen, or just sit quietly with her as she crys.
This past month another loss has come upon my life. Nothing quite like a death of a friend, but my psychiatrist of the past 8 years, told me he is leaving the practice and I will need to switch to another doctor. To some of you, this may seem petty, small, no big deal. But to those of you with a mental illness, you can appreciate the struggle it is to find a psychiatrist you trust, one who pushes you enough to push for your own recovery, but also knows when to pull back a bit and let you lean on them. You can understand that having a doctor who listens, and doesn’t just throw more medications at you or put you in the hospital every time you have a suicidal thought, is important, and unfortunately, is few and far between. This doctor has been with me through my darkest of times, through hospitalizations, suicide attempts, anger outbursts, but also through my successes. Through times of finding myself, and who I want to be as a person, not just as my diagnosis. He has encouraged me, helped me to succeed, but also let me fail at times so that I had the opportunity to learn, and take the reigns of my own recovery and start down the road of getting better. Him leaving the practice is really hard on me. I know the person I am switching to, just from them covering when my doctor wasn’t in/ working sometimes when I was inpatient. But the last time I was inpatient was 4 years ago, and a lot has changed since then. To be honest, I’m scared. I’m angry in some ways and feeling let down in some ways too. I know I can’t blame him, but I just wasn’t prepared for this. I feel like it’s putting me in a very vulnerable place, a place where I have to start over essentially with someone new and let them into my recovery journey. I have to learn to trust them quickly, so as not to fall backwards. Like I said, I’m scared. I just wish it wasn’t happening. I wish my doctor could stay with this practice, but I understand at the same time that people move on, it’s not all about me, I get that. I just am really not liking this at all.