I know I’ve said this before, but I’m not the best at writing consistently on this page. I write when I feel like something is really pressing on me to come out. I wish I had the ability to just come on here every week and write about what’s going on in my life, but I just don’t …..no matter how much I try, I just don’t do it. Sorry about that.
But here I am, writing another post, letting people I have never even met into the deepest parts of my mind, my heart, my soul. I write because it helps me to know that what is going on inside of me is valid…..it’s real, because maybe if I could just put it out there, into words, it would not just feel like this overwhelming amount of emotion within me……no instead it is real, it’s out there for others to acknowledge and let me know that it’s ok. It’s ok to feel the way I feel, to have the thoughts I have, and it’s ok to not be ok.
I’ve let you all know before that in therapy I’m working on accepting the sexual abuse of my uncle when I was a child. I’m working on looking into it, going deep within it all to get it all out there and to no longer let this abuse affect my daily life, my choices, my feelings about myself etc. It’s a long process, a process that is not easy, not now, not ever. This process entails me looking back to some of the darkest times in my life, to memories that have affected my life up to this point. This process is not just something that I can say I did and all of a sudden things are better. No, this is a process that will lead me to being able to live my daily life with these memories still, but not let them change my way of living. If that makes any sense at all. I am going through this process so that I can finally take the power back from my uncle who abused me so long ago.
This process has not been easy so far…..I didn’t expect it to be, but I’m not sure I was ready for the overwhelming amount of emotion it would bring with it and the level of depression and guilt and all things I don’t know there was a way to prepare for. I know I have a lot of support going through this, but I don’t think any amount of support would make me feel better. I feel like I have to keep going, keep pushing forward, going on with daily activities such as work as if there was nothing going on. But the reality of it is, I can’t just leave these discussions in my therapists office. I leave there and I have it on my mind. I try to set it aside but it doesn’t work. I have been dissociating at times and I am missing chunks of time because I have mentally stepped out of the moment as an escape. I go to work and I have a few coworkers that know what I’m working on, but that doesn’t give me permission to do my job any less than I would if I were doing alright. I feel like I need my job to keep going, I need the structure, the interactions, but it’s taking a huge effort just to get through the 6 hour shifts without crying in the bathroom, or detaching when someone is talking to me……like I can participate in a conversation with someone but then have no idea what we talked about or anything.
I feel like my insides are struggling to keep up. Struggling to not just burst out and go off on people, whether it’s through anger, or tears, or whatever. I feel like I just have to put such an effort to get through the day. I have to be “ok” when really I’m not. I have to keep on that mask, that smile, that fun personality, and all the while my heart is hurting, my soul is struggling, screaming on the inside but smiling on the outside. Then feeling exhausted at the end of the day and as if I completed nothing.
I don’t know how many of you have ever felt this way, but I know I cannot be alone in this. I just want this all to go away. I want to jump ahead a year when hopefully I’m all done going through this all in therapy……I want to feel better. I want to have hope again.