When All You Can Do Is Just Keep Going…..Because On The Inside Everything Is Falling Apart Slowly.

I know I’ve said this before, but I’m not the best at writing consistently on this page. I write when I feel like something is really pressing on me to come out. I wish I had the ability to just come on here every week and write about what’s going on in my life, but I just don’t …..no matter how much I try, I just don’t do it. Sorry about that.

But here I am, writing another post, letting people I have never even met into the deepest parts of my mind, my heart, my soul. I write because it helps me to know that what is going on inside of me is valid…..it’s real, because maybe if I could just put it out there, into words, it would not just feel like this overwhelming amount of emotion within me……no instead it is real, it’s out there for others to acknowledge and let me know that it’s ok. It’s ok to feel the way I feel, to have the thoughts I have, and it’s ok to not be ok.

I’ve let you all know before that in therapy I’m working on accepting the sexual abuse of my uncle when I was a child. I’m working on looking into it, going deep within it all to get it all out there and to no longer let this abuse affect my daily life, my choices, my feelings about myself etc. It’s a long process, a process that is not easy, not now, not ever. This process entails me looking back to some of the darkest times in my life, to memories that have affected my life up to this point. This process is not just something that I can say I did and all of a sudden things are better. No, this is a process that will lead me to being able to live my daily life with these memories still, but not let them change my way of living. If that makes any sense at all. I am going through this process so that I can finally take the power back from my uncle who abused me so long ago.

This process has not been easy so far…..I didn’t expect it to be, but I’m not sure I was ready for the overwhelming amount of emotion it would bring with it and the level of depression and guilt and all things I don’t know there was a way to prepare for. I know I have a lot of support going through this, but I don’t think any amount of support would make me feel better. I feel like I have to keep going, keep pushing forward, going on with daily activities such as work as if there was nothing going on. But the reality of it is, I can’t just leave these discussions in my therapists office. I leave there and I have it on my mind. I try to set it aside but it doesn’t work. I have been dissociating at times and I am missing chunks of time because I have mentally stepped out of the moment as an escape. I go to work and I have a few coworkers that know what I’m working on, but that doesn’t give me permission to do my job any less than I would if I were doing alright. I feel like I need my job to keep going, I need the structure, the interactions, but it’s taking a huge effort just to get through the 6 hour shifts without crying in the bathroom, or detaching when someone is talking to me……like I can participate in a conversation with someone but then have no idea what we talked about or anything.

I feel like my insides are struggling to keep up. Struggling to not just burst out and go off on people, whether it’s through anger, or tears, or whatever. I feel like I just have to put such an effort to get through the day. I have to be “ok” when really I’m not. I have to keep on that mask, that smile, that fun personality, and all the while my heart is hurting, my soul is struggling, screaming on the inside but smiling on the outside. Then feeling exhausted at the end of the day and as if I completed nothing.

I don’t know how many of you have ever felt this way, but I know I cannot be alone in this. I just want this all to go away. I want to jump ahead a year when hopefully I’m all done going through this all in therapy……I want to feel better. I want to have hope again.

 

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So Who Thinks Time Moves Way Too Fast? A Little Bit Of This, A Little Bit Of That.

So I just realized it’s been almost an entire month since I wrote on here and I can’t seem to figure out where all the time went! Christmas happened…….it was good. We were at my Aunts house and we had a pretty good time. My sister wasn’t her full on bitch self…..though glimpses of that were definitely evident…….and we all seemed to relax and just enjoy each other. That was our 1st Christmas celebration……2 of my cousins who live out of town were not able to make it to our get together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but they were both able to get up here the weekend after new years, so we had our 2nd Christmas celebration on the 8th, when we opened presents and ate lots of food.

Not too much has really happened since I wrote last on December 22nd, other than the holidays. Except …… my grandpa ended up going to the hospital the Friday before New Years. He had a 101.9 degree fever, and my grandma said he was a lot more confused than he usually is (He has dementia). So at the hospital they ran blood tests and found an uncommon bacteria in his blood. They had to find out the source of that bacteria, and so they ran more blood cultures. They, after a couple of days came to the conclusion the bacteria was coming from somewhere in his gut. Pa wasn’t complaining of any pain or anything like that, so they did a scan of his gut area and saw there was a lot of fluid surrounding his gall bladder. They decided they were going to do surgery and take out his gall bladder. They did the surgery, and the doctor said it was the most severely infected gall bladder he had ever seen. They had to put in a drain after the surgery to get all the extra fluid out. All this time Pa was laying in bed, not getting up or walking and therefore becoming weaker every day. Grandma couldn’t take him home unable to get to the bathroom on his own etc. so after a few days of recovery from the surgery, he was transferred to the rehabilitation portion of the hospital where he is still at today. They are doing physical therapy with him daily and helping him gain strength. He is a stubborn, grumpy man, and with the dementia on top of it, he is really confused as to where he is, why he’s there etc. It’s definitely hard to watch. They are hoping he will be home this coming Saturday.

Throughout this whole process of Pa being in the hospital, and at one point not being sure if he was going to make it through, things for me have been a bit of a struggle. I tend to put my family first, help them all I can, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when doing this, I stuff my own emotions down, and don’t really take care of my own emotional health. This then leads to frustrations, irritable days, and increase in impulses to self injure because I feel like there is no other way to let out all the emotion I have going on inside. I talked to my therapist about it. She helped me a lot, but while she gives me good ideas of things to do, and good advice etc, it doesn’t really make breaking this pattern any easier. I did NOT use self injury as a coping skill, though there were times when the impulses were so high I had to go to the bathroom and just cry until I could pull myself together enough to go back in the room by my family. I have been finding myself more irritable because I am fighting my own self on the inside while trying to help and deal with other people’s problems and emotions all at the same time. The outlet just isn’t there.

On top of all of this, my therapist and I are still diving into the sexual abuse of my uncle when I was little. We are working our way through the book “Courage To Heal”, which I highly recommend to others who are dealing with sexual abuse in their lives. It’s not an easy process, but I know I have support of my therapist, my dad, a co-worker, who really pushed me to look at how this abuse is affecting my life, and to start the process of dealing with it in a healthy way, and I have support of my cousin, who also experienced sexual abuse in her life by another person. I know I have this support, but I also know it’s not going to be an easy process at all, that this process will bring up things I have tried to forget, it will bring up anger, and other emotions I may not expect, but that can’t be an excuse to not explore it and take back the control.

I’m sorry to you all who read my blog that I am not the most consistent writer, but know I think of you all often, and love that you are all a part of my life. Keep on keepin’ on, and smile today, you never know who will see it and keep walking forward because of it.