When Looking In, Everything Is Going Right…….

This has got to be one of the most common questions asked by people with depression, anxiety, or any other type of mental illness. How can everything seemingly be going so well, going so right, but yet on the inside I feel irritable, sad, angry, alone, scared, and just like it’s all falling apart? What do I believe………the way things are to everyone else, or the way my brain is telling me things are……the way my emotions are? I hate this depression crap……I know I have things going well for me……the new job is coming along. I am getting a hold of things, starting to pick up a routine, and picking up on some of the tech things I didn’t know before. I still have a LOT to learn, don’t get me wrong. It is still a bit overwhelming with the amount of things the person in this position before me left unorganized and wrong, or simply didn’t do at all even though he was supposed to be doing it regularly. I basically inherited a mess when it comes to records of things and it’s going to be a process to clean it all up. I think in a way, the depression I am experiencing lately probably has a lot to do with the stress factor from the new job, but I have to find ways to relieve this stress other than ways I would use in the past, or have used in the past. I can tell you right now, I haven’t had the urge to self-injure like I have over the past week, in a long time. Don;t get me wrong, those urges have never fully gone away, but I’m just saying it hasn’t seemed as appealing of an option as it has the last week or so. I haven’t done anything……trust me…….and I don’t plan on using that as a relief tool…..I’m just saying it isn’t making it any easier.

The past few weeks/ months, my therapist and I have also been going deeper into the sexual abuse experiences I had as a child. Therefore, the nightmares have not been getting any better either. In fact, they have gone up. It’s rare to go a night without waking up at least 3 times because of a nightmare having to do with my Uncle and the abuse. It’s like  a combination of being on a roller coaster, when your stomach drops, and being a kid who wakes up from a dream trying to scream but nothing comes out. It’s not a pleasant feeling. Along with those things, it takes a minute or so to realize once I have woken up, that it’s not real, it’s not happening again, that I am safe. Imagine having that 3-4 times every night, over and over again. This in itself is a life stressor I deal with, and have dealt with for years. I can’t remember the last time I slept through a night without having nightmares.

I just feel like I should be so happy, and in many ways I am, because I am so grateful to be where I am in my life. I am so happy I am not where I was just 5 years ago, in the hospital over and over, and unable to work at all. But at the same time, I feel like because I’ve come so far, to have a bad day is moving backwards. Now, I logically know that isn’t true, everyone has bad days, but for me, bad days are not just one day, it’s 2, 3, 4, days and I find ways to push it all down inside, and pretend like it’s all good. All because I don’t want to move backwards, I don’t want people to see me as a failure, I don’t want to see myself as a failure………heh…..I already do. I want to succeed, I want to move forward, do things the world says a 30 year old female should be doing. I want to have a boy friend, I want to get married, have a place of my own, support myself, all while at the same time feeling ugly, unworthy, and pitiful. I feel like no guy would ever love me …… because of my illness, my weight, and the “baggage” that would come with me. I just feel like I can’t even love myself, how could anyone else ever love me? I truly believe this is why I put so much of myself into helping others, because I can’t love myself, so I may as well love and help others to be happy and the best they can be, because THEY deserve it……me? I don’t. I have said this to people before and a few have tried to convince me otherwise, but words are not enough, it proves nothing, the actions of the world prove things. The way guys treated me in high school and college. The way guys treat me now. The way people who are close to me say things like, “relationships aren’t for everyone” or “you don’t need a guy to be happy”. I get that, but it’s to the point where I’ve started saying things like “I don’t want to get married, a guy would just hold me back” or “There’s no way I’d have kids” as a way to cover up the fact that on the inside I am just longing for it, Jealous of my sister and cousins who have these things. Feeling even more alone, and unlovable because it’s just come to be expected by my family that I’ll be single.

I can say one thing that is really good, and I’m truly happy to have, is my friendship with a person from work who I feel like I can call and just bitch to, or laugh with, or just talk about people from work with or anything. We are often sending texts to each other just to say hi, or checking in, and I hope she knows just how much I appreciate her, her friendship, and her honesty with me. She makes me laugh, and we talk about everything. She has a diagnosis too so I know she fully gets it. I just smile when I think about our friendship. She is an amazing person, friend, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I saw my psychiatrist the other day, after I settle into this new job a bit more we are going to work on changing up my meds. She didn’t want to start a med change when such a big transition was going on in my life. I’m continuing to do ECT every 2 weeks, and I think it’s best that way. My therapist is off this week and next so that doesn’t make things any easier. I guess I just needed to vent things out today, sorry for the unorganized post.

We shall see what tomorrow has to bring………………just one day at a time.

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The New Job, Life In General, And Trying Not To Forget The Little Things In Life

Hello all who read this. I just wanted to first  give a quick update on how the new job was going. It is going really well. I am learning a lot, and the days are moving fast as I am keeping busy with all there is to do. There are definitely both positives and negatives to the new job, but overall I’m having a good time and growing in a lot of ways. I am still trying to get the little quirks of my boss down, even though I know her really well, and she was my supervisor for the last job I had, the position I am in now is more directly under her and she has more direct input into what I am doing each day. Basically I am her assistant now, and everything I do is to help her and to make her role a bit easier. All while at the same time organizing and planning things within the resource department. I hope that makes sense. She has had me make some flyers and different “blurbs” for newsletters and things. She asks me to write these things, but then every time so far she has looked them over and changed the wordings, or edited them to the point where I almost said “why don’t you just do it then?” I am a person who is fairly good at grammar and writing in general, and to have someone tell me “that’s a run on sentence” when I know I have used appropriate grammar so it may be long, but it is not a run on, makes me a bit frustrated. I have had to bite my tongue a few times because she is correcting my English/ writing skills and the majority of the time her “corrections” are not grammatically correct. It’s driving me a bit crazy! Otherwise, things so far have been going pretty well. I am really happy I took this position. The hours are great and the people I am working with each day are great too.

Life in general:
Besides the new job, life has not been all that interesting. The same types of things have been going on as before. My family is doing well, however, my dad told me the other day he was really close to just divorcing my mom, even though he knows she would never make it on her own. She wouldn’t survive, but he is so frustrated with the way she treats him and things she does. I don’t blame him, but at the same time it scares the shit out of me. I love my mom and dad both. I wouldn’t know what to do if dad ever left her. I wouldn’t know if I should go with him or take care of my mom; even if it meant losing out in my own life. I don’t think he’d ever actually divorce her, but their relationship is on edge for sure. Dad has emotionally separated from her in most aspects already. I believe that is his way of staying stable himself.

Therapy has been going well. The process of going through my experiences of sexual abuse is not an easy one to say the least. Most of my sessions end up with me in tears and feeling very anxious and even scared, but 100% safe at the same time. I feel comfortable with my therapist and she has a way of making me feel secure and safe, even when we are talking about the most difficult and scary parts of my life. This process as I said is not easy, but it is definitely a necessity. I have to do this. It may take time, and that’s ok, but it needs to be processed through and talked about so hopefully I can get to the point where I don’t have nightmares about it, or thoughts about it everyday, or times where I dissociate in order to feel safe. I trust my therapist and I know she will never push me into any place where I am not ready.

With everything going on with the new job and getting into that new routine I have found I haven’t been doing the little things I was doing before in order to just take care of me. I haven’t been taking the time to call grandma every day to just check in and say hi. I haven’t been coloring mandalas, and I haven’t just been spending time with my dogs, snuggling and being mindful. All these things are important to me, and I need to make them a priority, even while adjusting to the new schedule and responsibilities of my new job. I can’t let these things escape my daily routine because I know if I let them go for too long the balance that is so important in my recovery will be thrown out of whack and things will spiral downward.

 

Let’s Just Say The Last 2 Days Have Been Good, But I Have A New Understanding Of The Word “Tired”

So I let you all know I got the job I was going for. I started this past Monday, so today is day 3 for me in the new position. It has been going really well so far. I have jumped right in and my supervisor has been giving me plenty to do so far, and I know down the line there will be even more on a daily basis.
I was SOOO anxious on Monday about starting this job, but I did it! And I was so tired by the end of the day….just like I was yesterday also. I have a new understanding of what “tired” truly means……I haven’t been this exhausted by the end of a work day ever. I know it will get better as I get settled into the position and know more of my daily task schedule etc, but these past 2 days have made me pretty tired by the end of the day.
I don’t have much time to write too much right now, but I just wanted to update everyone on how the new job was going. I am loving getting to know the staff better, as in my old position I was working during hours after many of them had already left. I feel really comfortable in the environment and with all the people so that has been really good for me during this transition also. Thank you all for your support too!!

Stay wonderful 😉

Over The Past Week……

So…..a lot has happened over the past week in my life. In my last post I talked about how I was going to be having a second interview for this job position and all that. Long story short….the interview went well and I was offered the position. I start on Monday. I was so anxious about the interview it was crazy. I knew going into it it was going to be an interview with the executive director of the organization and that is mostly what I was nervous about. See, this woman, she has this aura/ attitude about her that you really never know what her true mood is….unless she is angry, then you know and you want to stay out of her path for sure. Other than that, she has this way of treating people like she likes them, but deep down you know it’s a fake attitude and truly she just wants something from you. She does have her moments where she is genuine, but what I’m saying is it’s hard to know when she is genuine vs fake. Anyway, I was nervous about sitting and talking with her alone, and just wanted to have the right answers to everything. I decided while I was in the meeting with her I was going to just be me and be honest, and like a good friend from work has told me, if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen. So I went into the interview and straight out told her I was a bit nervous, but I was excited at the same time. She took that well, and we went from there. After my time with her, we went to the office of the woman who will be my boss, and we finished the interview there. Overall, it went well. Like I said, I was offered the job, and I start on Monday. I am really excited, but a whole different kind of anxious now. I just want the first 2 weeks or so to be over so I can get settled into the new position and get my feet on the ground a bit.

This whole past week has not been all about that interview……though it did cause anxiety it didn’t take over my life. This past weekend we had a team building event for all the peers at work. We went bowling and had pizza and just spent time with each other having fun. It was really good. I suck at bowling, but it was nice to just be relaxed, socializing, and laughing with my coworkers. It gave me the opportunity to put everything else on my mind aside and chill out a bit. I really enjoy the people who were there, and it showed me once again the support I have at work, and the great people I work with.

I spent time with family this week too. Family time is a must for me. I see it as necessity and I love the time I have with family. I find myself lucky to have family close by, and to have the relationships I have with them. Family first is a huge motto for me. I bought dinner for my parents and grandparents on Saturday, and we just spent time at Grandma and Pa’s house eating, watching the hockey game, and laughing. I cherish these times, as I know they won’t last forever.

Therapy has been going alright too. We are still diving into the sexual abuse that happened when I was little, and we are talking about the effects it’s had on me over my life and currently. I am working though it with my therapist slowly, but working hard for sure. It’s definitely bringing up a lot of emotions I wasn’t expecting, and memories are coming back as we talk that I didn’t realize I had repressed. We are trying to “keep it at our appointment”, meaning, we dive into it during our sessions, but I don’t let it flood me all week between our appointments. I am trying to not let this overtake my life, but rather, set time to talk about it, work on it/ deal with it, and do it all in a healthy and safe place. We just don’t want for me to let it flood into my everyday life and cause problems for me. I think it makes sense, and writing on here about it helps a lot too. I try to get it out, and leave it there, not take it with me. My therapist is awesome and I so appreciate her.

That’s about all I have for now. I just want to say to the few of you who read this, Thank you, and remember……you’re worth it. Stay beautiful.