I Have No Quote or Song Lyrics to Use as My Title……So…….yeah……..

So last time I wrote I was telling you all about the havoc going on at my work place. Things haven’t necessarily gotten better, but I can say things have become more consistent. Everyone is getting more used to the changes and while no one I believe can honestly say they like the changes, we all can say we are glad to have a job. I don’t like the changes that have been made. I feel they are basically a band-aid to the problems deep below with irresponsibility and poor management of money and running the organization. I believe in the organization though. I believe in the mission of it, the purpose of it, and I believe in the reason I started as a volunteer for this organization in the first place. THOSE are the reasons I decided to not just get caught up in all the chaos going on and changes and just quit. I have chosen to see where things go, where things lead my position to and to see what skills I can learn and build upon because of the changes we are going through as an organization. I know this won’t be a job I’ll be at for years upon years…….it doesn’t pay nearly enough for that; but I can take advantage of learning while I am here and utilize it as a stepping stone to something bigger and better.

I have made some really good friends because of where I work. I have mentioned Johanna in the past and I want to mention her again. She is older than I am, yes, but I consider her to be one of my bestest (yes I know that’s not a word) friends ever. She just gets me. She knows when I need a hug, and she knows at the same time when to just not push for whatever and just let me be. I feel like I understand her too. Well, she just had total knee replacement surgery last week. Her husband was working and her kids were either working or at school and none of them could be at the hospital with her the day after her surgery. Let me tell you…. you don’t leave someone with high anxiety alone in a hospital room the day after a major surgery. I couldn’t believe it when she told me no one was going to come sit with her. It honestly, made me mad. That’s not how family is supposed to treat family. I knew what I had to do right away. I offered to go sit with her, it was my day off of work anyways and I had no problem driving out there just to sit with her so she didn’t have to be alone. She was baffled. Which baffled me. For real, to me, that was what friends do for friends. Friends are supposed to be there when others can’t when everyone else is being bitchy or whatever. I didn’t think twice about it. Just as I didn’t think twice about driving her home when she was discharged from the hospital, and I didn’t think twice about just being with her for as long as needed when we found ourselves locked out of her house. All these things, they were just instinctual to me. I hope she knows now……that’s just what friends do, they are there when no one else can be.  She’s an amazing friend to me…….why wouldn’t I return that?

Speaking of friends. I think I’ve mentioned this person before…..Karlee….. She is 14 years younger than I am. I started as her tutor when she was in 5th grade.  She had the worst behavior I have ever seen. She was struggling. I was struggling in my own ways and her mom needed help getting her to do her homework. I was there 4 days a week helping her with it. She would get so angry, she would punch holes in the wall, her mom had called the cops on her at times and yet, after awhile of me being there, she started to change…..at least during the time I was there. She started respecting me. She would call me throughout the week when she was fighting with her mom, or when she’d get in trouble at school. We formed this bond. I became more of a mentor and big sister to her and she became a little sister to me. She was someone who I was determined to work hard with in order to help her to succeed. Every time I would see her do something where she succeeded at it…..I would get this overwhelming sense of pride. This relationship/ bond went on for years where I’d pick her up on the weekends and we’d just go get lunch, or go hang out. She would call me all the time or text me just letting me know how her day was going or about a boy she thought was cute. Then, 2 years ago, her mom and her moved to Fresno California. That’s a long way from chicagoland. The phone calls didn’t stop, but they started to get further and further apart. I tried to text her as often as possible just to “check in”. but I didn’t want to invade her new life either. She was trying to adjust to a whole new state, school, friends, etc. I didn’t want to interfere, but I still wanted to be there for her whenever she needed. I talked to her last night, it was the first time in a long time…..probably 6 months. Well, she’s going to be 18 in January, she’s taking an AP class in school, and over break she is going to do 4 classes online so she can graduate early because she wants to start nursing school at the local community college. I never thought I’d see the day when she would say to me “I want to take this class over again to see if I can get a better grade to help later on in college” She said that to me yesterday and honestly, when I hung up the phone, I cried. Not sad tears, but because I was SOOOO proud of her. I miss her tons. She means the world to me. I am so happy to know though just how far she truly has come, and I am honored to have had a part in her life and to continue to play a part in her life.

 

Advertisements

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” – Winnie the Pooh

I use this blog as a place to come to write out everything that’s going on in my life/mind at the moment. I don’t write every day, or even every week. I tend to only write when there’s something, or a few things that have been going on in my life that I need to just let out. I don’t expect responses from people, I don’t even know how many people actually read this blog. I’ve said this before. I use this blog more as a journal that I know at least a few people read some times and because of this I feel heard. I never was able to just have a journal that I would write in and no one read it. I never really saw the point. I didn’t ever feel as if that helped me because I would be getting the words out but no one would know how I was feeling. With this blog, even though I don’t know the people who read it, I can say I feel heard. It’s a form of validation.

Anyways……. I don’t really know why I decided to start this specific blog with that statement above. I just know that the last couple of weeks there have been some really stressful, bad, and some really good things that have happened. Over the last month or so changes have been made at my workplace. People have been laid off, and other people have had position changes. All because the organization wasn’t, in my eyes, being responsible with the money that was coming in, and was spending to quickly rather than taking a step back and looking at where we really could be spending and where we really needed to save. The executive director, I feel, is only letting the employees in on a small part of the reasoning behind all these big changes, and I just get this gut feeling there’s something more going on. I love the organization I work for. I love helping the people we help. And I can honestly say, this organization helped myself and my family through some of the darkest times of our lives due to my mental illness. I’ve been volunteering for this organization for over 5 years, and officially on staff since March of this year. I hate to say I am considering looking for a new job because of all that’s going on.

On top of all the stress at work, there is the stress at home. I don’t want to get into it much, but let’s just say my mom has some major depression issues she’s not working on and it’s pushing myself and my dad to the edge.

My grandpa. He was diagnosed with dementia over a year ago. Things have been getting worse and the fact that my grandma is the one taking care of him (with the exception of 6-8 hours a day they have a care taker come in to help 5 days a week), is draining her to her core. She is getting frustrated, angry, and she just can’t do it anymore. We are often going up there to help, my aunt and uncle are too, but it’s just not enough. I fear for my grandma. I fear this will put her over the edge and I honestly fear she will die before my grandpa. I have thought about quitting my job and telling her I will be up there full time from 8-8 every day to help her with him. I told my dad this and he said he won’t allow it. I just want so badly to help more than what we are now. I don’t know how to do that though. My family is really close. I talk to grandma at least every other day, and we are at their house multiple times a week. We all would drop everything if it meant it would help a member of our family, and we all know we have family support no matter what. This doesn’t just mean immediate family. I’m talking about my cousins, my aunt, and my uncle too. We’re all like a big puzzle and if there’s a piece missing we all work together to get that piece back and complete the picture.

I fear the day my grandpa dies. The picture will never be complete again. I don’t know what we’ll do. I don’t know what my dad will do…..he’s always been so close to pa. We all have. I can’t even think about what it will be like. Empty. That’s all I can think of to define what that moment in time will be.

I know I’ve been talking about some of the tough things that have been going on, but I wanted also to bring up some good too. I was finally able to get together with my good friend Johanna …….outside of work…..not just talking for a few minutes over a quick lunch in the office on a day we’re both there, or a quick phone call while one of us is driving. We managed to get together for lunch and while we talked mostly about work, we were able to laugh, bring up random things, and just have fun being together. This made my week……my month. Honestly, I can’t say how much I appreciate her friendship and just knowing she’s there and that she “gets me”. That is what friendship is about. I had a great time that day and I just cherish moments like that.

Another good thing…..just this past Saturday my parents and I went and spoke at my therapists class she teaches at a local university for the master’s of social work program. We shared our story of living with mental illness and how we all worked together and continue to work together to support one another and help each other through the good and the bad days. I was really proud of my parents.

Thank you to everyone who does read this blog, whether it’s 1, or 100 people. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to gain this glimpse into my life, my mind.