“Maybe This Is Just The Way It Had To Be….All These Thoughts I Can’t Ignore, Thoughts That Whisper In A Quiet Roar”– Remedy Drive ‘God I Hope So’

**SELF HARM WARNING***

I had my ECT treatment yesterday….. about an hour into my sleeping when I got home, I received a text from my supervisor saying that the Director said she will keep me on staff at the same amount of hours until I find a new job, or they fill the new position. So I am happy in one sense, because I don’t have to continue to scramble to find something by July 1st and worry about new insurance (at this moment), but at the same time I am not happy at all. I feel a mix of emotions. I feel defeated and used. I feel as if they are only keeping me on because they want to help themselves….but yet I’m not good enough to keep on for the future…..only until I find a new job or they fill the new position. I feel angry. I feel alone, and I feel like none of this is for my own benefit at all. I can almost guarantee that if they find someone before I find a new job, they won’t give me notice, that’s just the way they are. As my title of this blog says though…….Maybe this is just the way it had to be. I don’t know, but I know I don’t like it. Honestly, I’m thinking of just walking. Just up and leave the organization and not worry about the medical bills and such until they come. But I know I can’t do that. I have to “tough it out” and take what I can get and be grateful for the opportunity to still be working while looking for another position. (Man I pulled those words out of my ass lol).

Tomorrow is Father’s day. I have a feeling it will be the last Father’s day we have with my dad’s dad, my grandpa. It hurts just to think about it. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I can’t imagine what it’s going to do to my dad, my grandma, ….all of us.

I’ve been having more self-harm thoughts/ impulses lately. More so the impulses…..as I have been dealing with the thoughts every day for a long time. The impulses though, those can be different. They are the moments I’m eating with a steak knife and all of a sudden wish I had used it on myself and not my food.  Or when I use a razor in the bathroom and it takes everything within me not to use it to intentionally cut myself. The stress from work hasn’t  been helping this either. I’m glad I had ECT yesterday though, because it helped to tame them down for now. They for sure aren’t gone, but it’s not the constant, overwhelming, ongoing impulses.

Do any of you ever just feel so down, so depressed, but so grateful and blessed all at the same time? I am going for a certification called CRSS, Certified Recovery, Support Specialist. Well, it costs $125 for just the test. It was $75 just in the application fee. Well, some people at my church, they are in my Adult Sunday School class, they had asked me last week how the process was going. I told them honestly I don’t have the money to take the test right now, so I’m hoping at some job interviews I can say I have applied and just have to take the test, and that the job would pay for it. Well, these people in my class, they responded with this, “We don’t have our checkbook today, but we want to pay for your test. We want to help you.” I received a check and a card on Wednesday this past week. I cried for a long time, I’m still baffled. I just can’t believe that they did that. That they saw enough hope, purpose, and whatever else within ME to want to do that. I mentioned in the last post I just don’t feel I have a meaning, a purpose, and I don’t feel much hope at all. The only thing I can be hopeful in is Christ, which really is all I need. I am so grateful for these people in my class, so blessed to know them, and just so thankful. I just am still having a hard time figuring out why they love me when I can’t and don’t even love myself.

I’m sorry this post probably means nothing to any of you. I just use this blog as more of a journal, a way to get things out and feel heard, but not feel like I’m going to be judged or get in trouble for what I have to say. I appreciate all of my followers, and I don’t know what I’d do without the comments, or likes you all leave me.

Thank you all.

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They Say It’s Going To Be Okay…..But It Doesn’t Feel That Way At All.

So, I think I mentioned in my last post about how my position at work is basically being eliminated due to budget issues. Well, I have until July to find a new job and I haven’t been getting any bites on my resume……I had 2 job prospects at 2 different places, but both would require me to work every weekend, and that is just not something I can commit to. I just built a community of support at a new church over the last 2 years and I can’t give that up, it wouldn’t be good for my own recovery and I can recognize that. I have applications out at other places too, and just haven’t been hearing anything back. I feel completely hopeless. I don’t know what I’m going to do when July comes and I don’t have a new job…..I need insurance for all my ECT treatments and meds etc. I don’t know how I’ll be able to pay for COBRA insurance, and I just have so much anxiety inside of me right now it’s ridiculous.

I have been going to work and feeling completely unmotivated and just dreading it each morning when I wake up. All because of how they went about this, what they did, and how betrayed I feel. Honestly, if I had a choice in this, I would just walk now….but as I said, I need the insurance as long as possible.

On top of all the work stuff, my sister got engaged last weekend. I know, I know, I should be happy for her……and I am in some ways. And at the same time I feel jealous. Out of all 5 kids (my 3 cousins and then my sister and I) I am now the only one who doesn’t have either a husband, fiance, or significant other. I am the only one alone. The only one who doesn’t have that relationship. I never have, and honestly, believe and feel like I never will. I feel so unworthy of being loved by a man. I feel so stupid, ugly, and worthless. I feel as though no one will ever love me, how could they? I can hardly make friends……yes I have a few, and I love them to death. I have a best friend whom I can rely on for anything, and I know she is always there for me. But my head tells me I am unworthy. Ever since I was a teenager and was shot down by guys when I asked them to go to a dance with me, or hang out, or in college when guys just showed no interest in me either, to now that I’m almost 32 y/o and I wouldn’t even know how to go about meeting someone or dating someone. I just feel unlovable, unworthy, ugly, and stupid. My sister is a bitch. No lying there. She is not nice to me or my mom, He is a great guy, he is funny and just ideal. But God bless him honestly. I hope he knows what he’s getting into.

I know this is a random post….talking about work, then relationships, and now I’m just going to say that I have really been having a hard time…..mostly because of the things mentioned above, but the self injury thoughts are coming up more often, stronger, and I just feel blah. I feel somewhat better than I did now that my psychiatrist changed one of my meds, but I am far off still from being where I want to be and need to be. I just feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel more stupid than I ever have and I feel incapable of succeeding in life. I just have no hope for the future, and I hate that feeling. I’m scared. Anxious. Lonely. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either. (no I’m not suicidal, I just am saying how I feel. I won’t do anything to hurt myself, and I would tell someone if it got to that point. I can promise you all that).

I know I have supports around me. My best friend, my parents, my grandma, my therapist and psychiatrist, people from church. I just feel so ashamed sometimes to speak up and say anything. I just want to cry all the time, but the tears just don’t seem to come, so in turn I get this blank empty look on my face and when someone asks what’s wrong I just respond with “I’m just tired” because as I’ve said before, there are times where it’s like the words just haven’t been invented yet to describe how I feel. It’s like everything and nothing is going through my head all at the same time.