“When The Storm Is Raging, And My Hope Is Gone….”

The title of this post is part of the lyrics to the song “Eye of the storm” by Ryan Stevenson. This song, along with a couple others, has been really hitting home to me lately. I know my blog isn’t the most uplifting blog around, but it is one of the most honest blogs anyone will ever find. I write on this blog almost as if it is my journal. I write on here rather than in a journal because I truly feel like it is a release, I feel like I am being heard…….even though I have no idea who in the world is reading this. I have tried writing in a paper journal, and it works to an extent to get things out, but I don’t feel any closure from it because it’s like, ok now all my emotions are on the paper but now what? I get no feedback from a journal. I know people write blogs for all different reasons, I just wanted to let you all know why I write the way I do, and about the topics I do. I write this blog as my story.

Now to get to my post for today. The lyrics of this song and the few other songs I have clung to over the last couple of weeks have really been hitting home hard for me. I mentioned in a previous post that about a year ago I started going to a new church, after not going to church for a couple of years. The people at this new church are amazing. I have formed friendships I believe will last a long time. I have friends who I am not embarrassed to ask to pray for me, who I also pray for. My faith has grown tremendously, and I have a whole new support system. All this, while at the same time still every day battling depression and thoughts of self harm and suicide. Thoughts I know I won’t act upon, but they cause stress and anxiety all at the same time. I am struggling with my relationship with my mom too. She has a mental illness diagnosis also, and she is at a point in her recovery where she thinks therapy is just a place to go bitch about everything but then leave for week and not work on changing anything. She has this attitude that comes across as if she believes everyone else is wrong and should do everything for her. That the way she feels is everyone else’s fault and they are the ones who need to make changes not her. I know this place well, because I was once there in my own recovery. I, however, was able to see through therapy that basically this world doesn’t revolve around me and I need to work at getting better and my recovery just as hard, if not harder than everyone else around me. I learned my recovery process is not just a process for the one with the diagnosis, but the family too……the family members are there to help and support the individual, but they too need support as the process happens. My mom, because of the depth of her depression, deals with memory loss, and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating to tell her something and then 10 minutes later have her ask again……and then again later. I do get frustrated, and I get angry, then she gets upset because she feels bad she forgot but she also is frustrated with not remembering and she feels hopeless. Well, I get that, but what angers me the most is that she CAN fix it. The doctors have told her it’s due to her depression, but yet she’s not doing anything to move forward in getting better. Her therapist doesn’t challenge her to change or make changes, and her psychiatrist just gives meds and that’s it. Mom goes in and tells the doctor things are fine, when in reality they are NOT fine at all. She doesn’t remember things dad tells her to bring up at the doctor so she doesn’t and the vicious cycle keeps going.

I’m frustrated. It’s hard to watch my mom falling apart, and it’s hard to be around her at all. She get’s upset that I don’t want to do things with her or go places with her, or I’ll work all day and not want to do or go anywhere with her when I get home and she gets upset as if it’s something against her, not that I’m just tired from work and want to chill for a bit. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am not at a point where I can move out of the house……trust me, if I could afford it, I would be out already. I am working on that in many ways. I am very aware that her behaviors and her depression are very triggering and influential of my own depression. I am daily trying to set a schedule and make sure I am taking care of myself first and setting boundaries and all that……but it’s still stressful, and hard…….I mean let’s face it…..Life isn’t perfect…..it’s hard.

I had a phone session with my therapist today because it’s been 3 weeks since I have seen her because she has been out of the office due to medical reasons. I won’t actually see her in a sit down session until at least a week from tomorrow……April 22. She is for sure the best therapist I have ever had….I have been working with her for over 5 years and I couldn’t ask for a better person to listen to me and have empathy towards me but yet challenge me and push me to continue to move forward and towards my goals in life and recovery in general. She doesn’t put up with any shit, she knows when I’m holding things back and she holds me accountable to things I say I am going to do. Today we talked just about what’s been happening over the last few weeks of her being gone. The last few weeks the depression has gotten worse. The nightmares have been peaking and my anxiety has not been good either. Overall, I feel like crap and I don’t know why. I honestly cannot give a reason for why the depression and everything has been getting worse. I can’t explain why I often just feel like crying but the tears just don’t want to come. I can’t give a reason for any of this. And that in itself is a frustrating thing. I just want to feel balanced. I want to wake up in the morning and be glad I woke up. I want to love myself, and see myself as others have described me to be. I want to help myself as much as I have helped others. I want to know what it is that people see in me and I want to believe what they have to say.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if anyone even read this to the end, but I wonder, does anyone else ever feel like  I do lately? Do any of you deal with similar things?

 

If Only People…..or I, Could Understand

I wrote some about this in my last post, and I’m not even sure if anyone even read it because I didn’t get a single like on it. I’m not here to get likes or shares or follows or whatever, but I’m here to share what’s going on in my life and hopefully gain some much needed support from others who understand….. and when I didn’t get any likes on that last post? Like I said, I just didn’t know if anyone even read it at all. I’m not going to groan about it, that’s not my purpose here, I’m just here for support. 

Anyways, the last couple of weeks have not been that great emotionally for me and I honestly couldn’t tell you why. Besides my therapist being gone until April 15th, nothing major or whatever has happened. I don’t like to think I rely on my therapist, but I’m finding right now I definitely look to her for the most support and as a sounding board. I didn’t realize how much I look forward to seeing her each week and just talking and working on things, it’s a release and it’s working. The last 2 weeks while she’s been gone have been really hard. My nightmares are vivid and frequent and the suicidal thoughts have increased from just passing thoughts to actually sitting and thinking about how I’d say goodbye to people, how I’d leave things so as to make it easier on those I leave behind. See, I don’t want to die because I’m not loved, I know there are people who love me, it’s just that I can’t seem to love myself, I can’t seem to believe I’m worthy. I won’t do anything, I promise. I just am stuck in this depression cycle. 

There are some people at my church who I shared just a little bit with; about the nightmares and how they are happening more and all that. They have been praying for me, and they told me they have been praying every day since I told them. I find it so hard to beleive that I am worth enough to them that they would take the time to do that. Wow. 

My new job is going really well, I’m enjoying it mostly (of course there are things I don’t like too) and I’m starting to get into the swing of things better. 

Thank you too, all of you who are reading this, as I write here because I don’t feel alone. It’s not like a diary in the sense that no one ever reads it, but I do use it as a journal in what I actually write, and I want people to read it, it makes me feel heard not just like I’m writing in a book to hide. 

I don’t know if any of that makes sense or even means anything to anyone. Anyways, I hope you all have a great night. 

When Looking In, Everything Is Going Right…….

This has got to be one of the most common questions asked by people with depression, anxiety, or any other type of mental illness. How can everything seemingly be going so well, going so right, but yet on the inside I feel irritable, sad, angry, alone, scared, and just like it’s all falling apart? What do I believe………the way things are to everyone else, or the way my brain is telling me things are……the way my emotions are? I hate this depression crap……I know I have things going well for me……the new job is coming along. I am getting a hold of things, starting to pick up a routine, and picking up on some of the tech things I didn’t know before. I still have a LOT to learn, don’t get me wrong. It is still a bit overwhelming with the amount of things the person in this position before me left unorganized and wrong, or simply didn’t do at all even though he was supposed to be doing it regularly. I basically inherited a mess when it comes to records of things and it’s going to be a process to clean it all up. I think in a way, the depression I am experiencing lately probably has a lot to do with the stress factor from the new job, but I have to find ways to relieve this stress other than ways I would use in the past, or have used in the past. I can tell you right now, I haven’t had the urge to self-injure like I have over the past week, in a long time. Don;t get me wrong, those urges have never fully gone away, but I’m just saying it hasn’t seemed as appealing of an option as it has the last week or so. I haven’t done anything……trust me…….and I don’t plan on using that as a relief tool…..I’m just saying it isn’t making it any easier.

The past few weeks/ months, my therapist and I have also been going deeper into the sexual abuse experiences I had as a child. Therefore, the nightmares have not been getting any better either. In fact, they have gone up. It’s rare to go a night without waking up at least 3 times because of a nightmare having to do with my Uncle and the abuse. It’s like  a combination of being on a roller coaster, when your stomach drops, and being a kid who wakes up from a dream trying to scream but nothing comes out. It’s not a pleasant feeling. Along with those things, it takes a minute or so to realize once I have woken up, that it’s not real, it’s not happening again, that I am safe. Imagine having that 3-4 times every night, over and over again. This in itself is a life stressor I deal with, and have dealt with for years. I can’t remember the last time I slept through a night without having nightmares.

I just feel like I should be so happy, and in many ways I am, because I am so grateful to be where I am in my life. I am so happy I am not where I was just 5 years ago, in the hospital over and over, and unable to work at all. But at the same time, I feel like because I’ve come so far, to have a bad day is moving backwards. Now, I logically know that isn’t true, everyone has bad days, but for me, bad days are not just one day, it’s 2, 3, 4, days and I find ways to push it all down inside, and pretend like it’s all good. All because I don’t want to move backwards, I don’t want people to see me as a failure, I don’t want to see myself as a failure………heh…..I already do. I want to succeed, I want to move forward, do things the world says a 30 year old female should be doing. I want to have a boy friend, I want to get married, have a place of my own, support myself, all while at the same time feeling ugly, unworthy, and pitiful. I feel like no guy would ever love me …… because of my illness, my weight, and the “baggage” that would come with me. I just feel like I can’t even love myself, how could anyone else ever love me? I truly believe this is why I put so much of myself into helping others, because I can’t love myself, so I may as well love and help others to be happy and the best they can be, because THEY deserve it……me? I don’t. I have said this to people before and a few have tried to convince me otherwise, but words are not enough, it proves nothing, the actions of the world prove things. The way guys treated me in high school and college. The way guys treat me now. The way people who are close to me say things like, “relationships aren’t for everyone” or “you don’t need a guy to be happy”. I get that, but it’s to the point where I’ve started saying things like “I don’t want to get married, a guy would just hold me back” or “There’s no way I’d have kids” as a way to cover up the fact that on the inside I am just longing for it, Jealous of my sister and cousins who have these things. Feeling even more alone, and unlovable because it’s just come to be expected by my family that I’ll be single.

I can say one thing that is really good, and I’m truly happy to have, is my friendship with a person from work who I feel like I can call and just bitch to, or laugh with, or just talk about people from work with or anything. We are often sending texts to each other just to say hi, or checking in, and I hope she knows just how much I appreciate her, her friendship, and her honesty with me. She makes me laugh, and we talk about everything. She has a diagnosis too so I know she fully gets it. I just smile when I think about our friendship. She is an amazing person, friend, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I saw my psychiatrist the other day, after I settle into this new job a bit more we are going to work on changing up my meds. She didn’t want to start a med change when such a big transition was going on in my life. I’m continuing to do ECT every 2 weeks, and I think it’s best that way. My therapist is off this week and next so that doesn’t make things any easier. I guess I just needed to vent things out today, sorry for the unorganized post.

We shall see what tomorrow has to bring………………just one day at a time.

The New Job, Life In General, And Trying Not To Forget The Little Things In Life

Hello all who read this. I just wanted to first  give a quick update on how the new job was going. It is going really well. I am learning a lot, and the days are moving fast as I am keeping busy with all there is to do. There are definitely both positives and negatives to the new job, but overall I’m having a good time and growing in a lot of ways. I am still trying to get the little quirks of my boss down, even though I know her really well, and she was my supervisor for the last job I had, the position I am in now is more directly under her and she has more direct input into what I am doing each day. Basically I am her assistant now, and everything I do is to help her and to make her role a bit easier. All while at the same time organizing and planning things within the resource department. I hope that makes sense. She has had me make some flyers and different “blurbs” for newsletters and things. She asks me to write these things, but then every time so far she has looked them over and changed the wordings, or edited them to the point where I almost said “why don’t you just do it then?” I am a person who is fairly good at grammar and writing in general, and to have someone tell me “that’s a run on sentence” when I know I have used appropriate grammar so it may be long, but it is not a run on, makes me a bit frustrated. I have had to bite my tongue a few times because she is correcting my English/ writing skills and the majority of the time her “corrections” are not grammatically correct. It’s driving me a bit crazy! Otherwise, things so far have been going pretty well. I am really happy I took this position. The hours are great and the people I am working with each day are great too.

Life in general:
Besides the new job, life has not been all that interesting. The same types of things have been going on as before. My family is doing well, however, my dad told me the other day he was really close to just divorcing my mom, even though he knows she would never make it on her own. She wouldn’t survive, but he is so frustrated with the way she treats him and things she does. I don’t blame him, but at the same time it scares the shit out of me. I love my mom and dad both. I wouldn’t know what to do if dad ever left her. I wouldn’t know if I should go with him or take care of my mom; even if it meant losing out in my own life. I don’t think he’d ever actually divorce her, but their relationship is on edge for sure. Dad has emotionally separated from her in most aspects already. I believe that is his way of staying stable himself.

Therapy has been going well. The process of going through my experiences of sexual abuse is not an easy one to say the least. Most of my sessions end up with me in tears and feeling very anxious and even scared, but 100% safe at the same time. I feel comfortable with my therapist and she has a way of making me feel secure and safe, even when we are talking about the most difficult and scary parts of my life. This process as I said is not easy, but it is definitely a necessity. I have to do this. It may take time, and that’s ok, but it needs to be processed through and talked about so hopefully I can get to the point where I don’t have nightmares about it, or thoughts about it everyday, or times where I dissociate in order to feel safe. I trust my therapist and I know she will never push me into any place where I am not ready.

With everything going on with the new job and getting into that new routine I have found I haven’t been doing the little things I was doing before in order to just take care of me. I haven’t been taking the time to call grandma every day to just check in and say hi. I haven’t been coloring mandalas, and I haven’t just been spending time with my dogs, snuggling and being mindful. All these things are important to me, and I need to make them a priority, even while adjusting to the new schedule and responsibilities of my new job. I can’t let these things escape my daily routine because I know if I let them go for too long the balance that is so important in my recovery will be thrown out of whack and things will spiral downward.

 

Let’s Just Say The Last 2 Days Have Been Good, But I Have A New Understanding Of The Word “Tired”

So I let you all know I got the job I was going for. I started this past Monday, so today is day 3 for me in the new position. It has been going really well so far. I have jumped right in and my supervisor has been giving me plenty to do so far, and I know down the line there will be even more on a daily basis.
I was SOOO anxious on Monday about starting this job, but I did it! And I was so tired by the end of the day….just like I was yesterday also. I have a new understanding of what “tired” truly means……I haven’t been this exhausted by the end of a work day ever. I know it will get better as I get settled into the position and know more of my daily task schedule etc, but these past 2 days have made me pretty tired by the end of the day.
I don’t have much time to write too much right now, but I just wanted to update everyone on how the new job was going. I am loving getting to know the staff better, as in my old position I was working during hours after many of them had already left. I feel really comfortable in the environment and with all the people so that has been really good for me during this transition also. Thank you all for your support too!!

Stay wonderful 😉

Over The Past Week……

So…..a lot has happened over the past week in my life. In my last post I talked about how I was going to be having a second interview for this job position and all that. Long story short….the interview went well and I was offered the position. I start on Monday. I was so anxious about the interview it was crazy. I knew going into it it was going to be an interview with the executive director of the organization and that is mostly what I was nervous about. See, this woman, she has this aura/ attitude about her that you really never know what her true mood is….unless she is angry, then you know and you want to stay out of her path for sure. Other than that, she has this way of treating people like she likes them, but deep down you know it’s a fake attitude and truly she just wants something from you. She does have her moments where she is genuine, but what I’m saying is it’s hard to know when she is genuine vs fake. Anyway, I was nervous about sitting and talking with her alone, and just wanted to have the right answers to everything. I decided while I was in the meeting with her I was going to just be me and be honest, and like a good friend from work has told me, if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen. So I went into the interview and straight out told her I was a bit nervous, but I was excited at the same time. She took that well, and we went from there. After my time with her, we went to the office of the woman who will be my boss, and we finished the interview there. Overall, it went well. Like I said, I was offered the job, and I start on Monday. I am really excited, but a whole different kind of anxious now. I just want the first 2 weeks or so to be over so I can get settled into the new position and get my feet on the ground a bit.

This whole past week has not been all about that interview……though it did cause anxiety it didn’t take over my life. This past weekend we had a team building event for all the peers at work. We went bowling and had pizza and just spent time with each other having fun. It was really good. I suck at bowling, but it was nice to just be relaxed, socializing, and laughing with my coworkers. It gave me the opportunity to put everything else on my mind aside and chill out a bit. I really enjoy the people who were there, and it showed me once again the support I have at work, and the great people I work with.

I spent time with family this week too. Family time is a must for me. I see it as necessity and I love the time I have with family. I find myself lucky to have family close by, and to have the relationships I have with them. Family first is a huge motto for me. I bought dinner for my parents and grandparents on Saturday, and we just spent time at Grandma and Pa’s house eating, watching the hockey game, and laughing. I cherish these times, as I know they won’t last forever.

Therapy has been going alright too. We are still diving into the sexual abuse that happened when I was little, and we are talking about the effects it’s had on me over my life and currently. I am working though it with my therapist slowly, but working hard for sure. It’s definitely bringing up a lot of emotions I wasn’t expecting, and memories are coming back as we talk that I didn’t realize I had repressed. We are trying to “keep it at our appointment”, meaning, we dive into it during our sessions, but I don’t let it flood me all week between our appointments. I am trying to not let this overtake my life, but rather, set time to talk about it, work on it/ deal with it, and do it all in a healthy and safe place. We just don’t want for me to let it flood into my everyday life and cause problems for me. I think it makes sense, and writing on here about it helps a lot too. I try to get it out, and leave it there, not take it with me. My therapist is awesome and I so appreciate her.

That’s about all I have for now. I just want to say to the few of you who read this, Thank you, and remember……you’re worth it. Stay beautiful.

Update From My Last Post…..

Well, in my last post I told you all about this job that became available at the organization where I currently work. The position that became available is almost 2x the amount of hours I currently am working and has better pay, benefits, and hours. The position was actually initially offered to me. It was my understanding all I had to do was think about it and then let them know if I would be accepting it or not. WELL……the person who offered me the position over stepped her boundaries and offered it to me without first getting it approved by the director, and without finding out if there were other candidates for the position. SOOO…….she basically had to take back her job offer, and she then told me I had to go through the whole process of interviewing and all that because there were 2 other candidates they were looking at for this job.

Last week I had my first interview with the supervisor of the position. She and I know each other well, so I wasn’t all that nervous really. She asked questions I knew the answers to and was able to answer in ways that were very well rounded. It wasn’t until the end of the interview that I was surprised by the question being asked. She asked me “So what are you going to do about your ECT treatments?” …….I have ECT treatment every other week for my depression, and therefore wouldn’t be able to work every Friday. I was a bit shocked that she even had the nerve to ask me about these treatments in the first place, especially because she knows how important they are to my treatment and my recovery. I responded to her by saying, “Well, I was hoping we would be able to work out a schedule around these treatments as they are a huge part to my recovery and my treatment. I also wouldn’t want to mess with them because if I did that and then started having symptoms again, it would cause bigger problems; not only for me and my recovery, but for you and the job, because I wouldn’t be able to do my job as well due to symptoms.” She just rested her head on her hand, took a deep sigh, and said, “well, it’s something we will have to try and figure out.” I honestly was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. I later found out it is illegal for them to ask questions about my disability during an interview, and they have to try and make accommodations. This brought up a ton of anxiety for me. I was anxious about everything, just wondering if I was right for this job, or if I would ever be able to get a job because of my illness, etc.

After the interview, I tried to relax, take it all with a grain assault and continue my day productively. Well, I was able to get through the day, but the next couple days I couldn’t get my anxiety to go down at all. I had never actually looked forward to an ECT treatment, but this past week it couldn’t come fast enough. Then, after ECT was over, the nurse called me and said we can only do treatments every 2 weeks up until April 21, then after that it will be treatment by treatment because their schedule is getting so full they can’t schedule in advance like I have been. SOOOO……I had to tell the lady at work that was happening and that if I got this job I wouldn’t be able to work Fridays because I couldn’t guarantee which Friday’s I’d be available to work because I wouldn’t know when my treatments would be. The deep sigh, and look on her face, it made me feel like such a failure. Like I had just messed things up so bad. I hate that this is seeming to have so much influence on my feelings.

They are giving me a 2nd interview, tomorrow at 2, with the executive director, her assistant, and the person who would be my supervisor (the one who did the 1st interview). I don’t know how this will turn out, but I guess we shall see.