So much has been happening since I wrote last time. My grandpa has been put into a nursing home as a permanent thing, and it’s affecting everyone in the family. My grandpa has dementia, we don’t even know if he knows that we are there to visit him every day or not. We do know though that he wouldn’t want to be the way he is right now. His death is inevitable, and it’s not that I’m wishing him dead, but I can say I have accepted that he will die, and that I’m ok with that. I’m going to miss him tremendously, I’m not saying that I won’t be affected by his death, what I’m saying is it isn’t him anymore. He is no longer my grandpa that I have known all my life, no the disease has taken over his mind and his life. I just want him to be at peace, not the agitated and angry person the disease is making him now.
I have been having a really hard time watching this disease take over his mind. It’s really effecting my depression and anxiety and I am trying to stay strong, but it’s slowly causing me to fall apart. My dad is noticing, he asked me what was going on yesterday, and I lied and said I was fine. I know he knows somethings wrong. I just don’t want to put more stress on him with everything else that is already going on.
My job is no longer a job I enjoy. I love the organization I work for, don’t get me wrong. It’s the politics of it all and the stress of working for 2 supervisors and 2 departments and splitting my time between the two and having expectations put on me that I just cannot reach up to. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unqualified, stupid sometimes even. I feel like I’ll never be able to live a non-dependent life on my own. My one supervisor, Patty, she has this way of talking down to me, it makes me feel stupid, like I’m not good enough, like nothing I do will ever be good enough. I sometimes wonder why they haven’t fired me yet because it seems like Patty is always telling me I forgot this or I didn’t do that right or “you need to work on this” and I just can’t ever meet the expectations that she puts on me. I don’t ever hear, “good job” or “I see you worked really hard on this” I only get negative feedback and it’s wearing on me. I tell myself enough negative things, I don’t need it from others too. I already know I’m not good enough. I already know I need to do better, that my best just isn’t good enough. I feel like I just cannot ever win. I love some of my other co-workers, and honestly, they help me get through my days, probably without even knowing they are helping. I want to find another job, but my mind is getting in my way. My head is telling me that no one else would want me because I’m not qualified. I don’t have the skills, I’m not smart enough. I might as well just keep the job I have because it’s better than not having anything at all. Right? I don’t know.
My psychiatrist told me to do 2 things just for myself during the time between our appointments. I know that seems like an easy task. For me though, it’s really hard. I find I am always doing things to give to others or make others happy, not myself. I have a hard time feeling worthy of doing something just for me. I don’t like myself. I don’t believe I deserve good things. It’s hard to explain why that is, because honestly, I can’t even tell you. I just know that I feel I’m not good enough that I’m lucky to have what I already have and to give myself anything else would be greedy, selfish, and rude. I feel there are so many others in the world who need things more than me, I feel like I can offer my time to them and help them more than I can to myself. Anyway, it’s been over a week and I still haven’t done something for me, I see my Dr. on Wednesday next week and I have to do 2 things before then. I just don’t know what.
A couple weeks ago my dad and I went to Nashville together, I felt conflicting emotions. I was having a good time, but I felt guilty for it. I felt guilty for having fun…..how messed up is that? I love spending time with my dad, but I felt bad we left mom at home. I felt bad that we spent 4 days without going to see grandpa, and I felt like I should have stayed home and let mom and dad go. I don’t know, my mind is getting in the way of my life and I hate it.
Do any of you ever feel these things? Do you ever think you are not worth it? how do you manage your life with those thoughts and feelings? I am managing, or should I say I’m getting through, but it’s tearing me apart. My life isn’t what I want or need it to be and I want this to change, I just don’t know how to do that.