Today has been one of those days that I can’t explain really well what’s exactly going on inside my head. All I know is it is like a tornado of emotions, thoughts, and wanting to cry but nothing coming out. Earlier, my mom told me my dad needed me to do something for him before he got home later after work. For some reason it triggered in me this bout of anger and frustration that I just went off on my mom. I got angry and said he should be able to do it when he got home, that it’s not my responsibility, and that if he wanted me to do something he should have asked me not had mom ask me. Now, if you know me, you know that reaction is NOTHING at all like me. That anger and frustration just came out of nowhere, it all happened so fast and I took out all the emotions that I have been feeling all day of hopelessness and loneliness and depression and anxiety, on my mom and dad. I did end up doing the task he needed me to do, but I was angry the entire time. Then, after I was finished, the guilt struck. I felt terrible for the way I reacted and for not being able to explain why I reacted the way I did. I wanted so bad to cry, but nothing was coming out. I felt alone. I felt scared, and I felt anxious and depressed. I texted my dad apologizing for the way I reacted ….. he didn’t even know I had reacted that way because my mom hadn’t told him and he wasn’t here to see it. I just felt like I had to apologize. I told my mom I was sorry too. But I still had this tornado of thoughts in my head, and of course this would be the day my therapist needed to cancel our appointment …..now, it was because of a family emergency, so I completely understand and don’t blame her, but it sucks it just happened to be today.
I texted my best friend Johanna. I told her how I was feeling today. That I was really struggling today. That I just feel like I am on the edge…..angry but wanting to cry all at the same time, and unable to explain the why. I knew she would understand what I meant. She always does. She truly is a blessing to me and I am lucky to have her in my life. We have this way of just supporting each other and just being there at all the right times. She’s a great friend and I am grateful for her.
I see my psychiatrist again tomorrow. This is a good thing. I hope all these emotions and thoughts slow down by then, but I also know I can tell her everything I have told you all here in this blog and she will help in some way. I also have another ECT treatment on Friday this week. I have all the supports, but my brain just doesn’t want to cooperate and slow down, or let me feel better. I hate this mental illness/ depression and anxiety crap. I know a lot of you out there understand that feeling. I hate that I feel like I have control to a certain point, but then it just is out my reach and I lose all control. I know I have come a long way from where I was just a few years ago, but it feels just as hard. The thoughts of self harm and suicide have never gone away and while I don’t engage in those thoughts they still cause me to struggle. I can’t lie, I have come really close in the past couple of months to falling back into the self harm way of coping. It’s really hard to not engage when I KNOW 100% that it will make me feel better…….even if it’s only for a short while. I know that doesn’t make much sense to a lot of people, but to those of you who have used self harm as a coping skill before you know what I am talking about. It’s like smoking in a way……. you know it’s bad for you, that it’s not a healthy skill, but it works to calm you down or relax you and feel better, even if only for a short while.
I just need to get through today, tomorrow is a new day and I know that. I will deal with it when it comes. I just need a hug, from a friend, from my dad, from anyone who I know gets it. I need to believe in myself……which I know isn’t going to happen, at least not today. I need to keep walking forward and not get stuck where I am. It’s all easier said than done that’s for sure. I need to love myself……..I haven’t loved myself for as long as I can remember. I don’t feel worthy of it. I feel ugly. I feel unworthy, and I feel as if I will be alone forever, with only a few friends and my family (with the exception of my sister) there for me. My brain tells me the world would be a better place without me that I don’t have anything worthy to offer. These are the thoughts that go through my head.
I pray God holds me close and holds all of my family and friends close too.