Two weeks ago I shared with my adult Sunday School class what was going on with me lately. I shared that I have been dealing with the depression and anxiety and that the thoughts of self-harm and suicide have been invading me. I told them I needed prayer, that I was just feeling so hopeless.
After all this stuff with my job ending my symptoms increased and the depression and anxiety have really taken over. Everyone in my class has been praying for me. I know this. I know even people outside of class have been praying for me too….family, friends, etc. I can feel the love of everyone around me. I can feel God holding me, but I still feel so empty on the inside. I feel so heavy. I went to WI with my dad last weekend to try to get a change of scenery and just try to have some structure to hopefully help me feel better, even if for just a little bit of time. I have always loved going up there with my family. We get to see friends, take adventures, but this time? This time it felt like it took everything in me, all my energy to get through each day. I loved being with dad, don’t get me wrong, I just am so encompassed by this depression right now that my mind wouldn’t shut off.
Then? We got home and on Monday night my mom went into the hospital by ambulance for heart issues. I was at my grandmas house when my dad called me to let me know so I wouldn’t be worried when I got home and no one was there. Needless to say, I left grandmas and went to the hospital to meet them. They ended up keeping mom and doing tests and they couldn’t explain what was going on/ the symptoms she was having and sent her home after 2 days. I’m glad she’s home, safe, and doing better, but I’m scared for her too. I have been scared for my mom ever since her first heart attack when she was 37 and I was in the 1st grade. I’m scared of losing her. I’m scared she doesn’t know how much I love her, and I’m scared I’ll never be enough.
I went to church today and the sermon was about God being with us when we are in the fire of life, and how He protects us, is with us, and guides us. How He is the hope we need and have to trust. I know I trust God, I have been throughout all of this. If I hadn’t been trusting Him, I’d be dead already by my own hand. I can guarantee that. I can’t be more grateful for the people in the class I attend every Sunday morning. They are my parents age, but I fit in the class just fine. They have been so encouraging and praying and just surrounding me with hope. I get random emails and texts from them with prayers for my day and I can’t thank them enough. I can’t thank my parents and my best friend Johanna enough either. For just being there. For listening. For just believing in me when I can’t believe in myself. I feel guilty though. I feel like all these people are trying so hard to help me, and I’m not getting better. Things are crap right now, even though I am working my ass off to battle this depression and anxiety. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting all these people down, letting God down.
How much can one person take? How much can someone be told one thing by everyone around them, and yet have their mind battle those thoughts and tell me something different…………how much can I take? I feel like I’m running on empty. Those self-injury thoughts —– they are becoming more and more appealing. It’s something I KNOW would at least stop this all for a short time. But I also know, that if I engage in that behavior, I’d really be a failure. I’d let everyone down. I’d let myself down. I’d prove to everyone that I can’t do it. I’d fall back into the process of being in and out of the hospital and I’d give up. Well, I don’t give up. I’m not that type of person. Thus the reason I’m still alive right now. It doesn’t make it any easier…..it doesn’t make the thoughts and the impulses go away. It doesn’t make me this untouchable person. No, it’s making it even harder, because I CAN’T give in. I WON’t give in. So instead, I have to fight through it all …..every thought, every impulse, every trigger and every feeling of depression and anxiety. I know coping skills, I have coping skills, but that doesn’t make any of this go away. NO…..all it does it get me through it …..well……I’m getting through, but it’s getting harder as the thoughts and feelings invade me constantly. Like I said, I’m running on empty. I don’t know how to refill. I don’t know how to make it stop. I just want this all to stop.
God, help me to know YOU are the only one who can pull me through this, give me hope that this will end, and hold me close to You as I go second by second falling apart slowly and painfully.