I know God Is With Me, But I Feel So Empty.

Two weeks ago I shared with my adult Sunday School class what was going on with me lately. I shared that I have been dealing with the depression and anxiety and that the thoughts of self-harm and suicide have been invading me. I told them I needed prayer, that  I was just feeling so hopeless.

After all this stuff with my job ending my symptoms increased and the depression and anxiety have really taken over. Everyone in my class has been praying for me. I know this. I know even people outside of class have been praying for me too….family, friends, etc. I can feel the love of everyone around me. I can feel God holding me, but I still feel so empty on the inside. I feel so heavy. I went to WI with my dad last weekend to try to get a change of scenery and just try to have some structure to hopefully help me feel better, even if for just a little bit of time. I have always loved going up there with my family. We get to see friends, take adventures, but this time? This time it felt like it took everything in me, all my energy to get through each day. I loved being with dad, don’t get me wrong, I just am so encompassed by this depression right now that my mind wouldn’t shut off.

Then? We got home and on Monday night my mom went into the hospital by ambulance for heart issues. I was at my grandmas house when my dad called me to let me know so I wouldn’t be worried when I got home and no one was there. Needless to say, I left grandmas and went to the hospital to meet them. They ended up keeping mom and doing tests and they couldn’t explain what was going on/ the symptoms she was having and sent her home after 2 days. I’m glad she’s home, safe, and doing better, but I’m scared for her too. I have been scared for my mom ever since her first heart attack when she was 37 and I was in the 1st grade. I’m scared of losing her. I’m scared she doesn’t know how much I love her, and I’m scared I’ll never be enough.

I went to church today and the sermon was about God being with us when we are in the fire of life, and how He protects us, is with us, and guides us. How He is the hope we need and have to trust. I know I trust God, I have been throughout all of this. If I hadn’t been trusting Him, I’d be dead already by my own hand. I can guarantee that. I can’t be more grateful for the people in the class I attend every Sunday morning. They are my parents age, but I fit in the class just fine. They have been so encouraging and praying and just surrounding me with hope. I get random emails and texts from them with prayers for my day and I can’t thank them enough. I can’t thank my parents and my best friend Johanna enough either. For just being there. For listening. For just believing in me when I can’t believe in myself. I feel guilty though. I feel like all these people are trying so hard to help me, and I’m not getting better. Things are crap right now, even though I am working my ass off to battle this depression and anxiety. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting all these people down, letting God down.

How much can one person take? How much can someone be told one thing by everyone around them, and yet have their mind battle those thoughts and tell me something different…………how much can I take? I feel like I’m running on empty. Those self-injury thoughts —– they are becoming more and more appealing. It’s something I KNOW would at least stop this all for a short time. But I also know, that if I engage in that behavior, I’d really be a failure. I’d let everyone down. I’d let myself down. I’d prove to everyone that I can’t do it. I’d fall back into the process of being in and out of the hospital and I’d give up. Well, I don’t give up. I’m not that type of person. Thus the reason I’m still alive right now. It doesn’t make it any easier…..it doesn’t make the thoughts and the impulses go away. It doesn’t make me this untouchable person. No, it’s making it even harder, because I CAN’T give in. I WON’t give in. So instead, I have to fight through it all …..every thought, every impulse, every trigger and every feeling of depression and anxiety. I know coping skills, I have coping skills, but that doesn’t make any of this go away. NO…..all it does it get me through it …..well……I’m getting through, but it’s getting harder as the thoughts and feelings invade me constantly. Like I said, I’m running on empty. I don’t know how to refill. I don’t know how to make it stop. I just want this all to stop.

God, help me to know YOU are the only one who can pull me through this, give me hope that this will end, and hold me close to You as I go second by second falling apart slowly and painfully.

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“I’m Lookin’ For The Brighter Days To Come My Way”- Leeland

So I know it’s been forever since I posted last. I honestly hadn’t even thought about posting until it was suggested to me yesterday by my best friend as something to do to hopefully help me feel better some. So here we are. April 30th was my last day at my job. It was the last day I will walk through those doors for a long time. I want so desperately to go back and speak for them in the schools or hospitals, but I can’t get myself to do it because of the way everything happened and the way I am feeling right now. They told me my job was being eliminated awhile ago and that my last day would be either when I found a new job, or when they found someone for the new position they had created that was only 20 hours a week and I apparently didn’t have the skill set for (this was according to one of my co-workers I won’t name). Well, they filled the position, so here I am, sitting at home, no job, no purpose, no nothing. My depression has increased to the max, and the thoughts in my head are nonstop. I feel lonely, hopeless, and just depressed and anxious. I feel as if I wasn’t good enough. I feel as though they wanted me gone. Well, with the exception of my one supervisor Patty, I know she wanted me to stay. I feel lost. I have been looking for a new job, but at the same time feeling so unmotivated and blah. I just want this to all end. I have been having increased thoughts of self-harm, and even the suicidal thoughts have increased. There have been a couple of days where I find I can’t even get myself to leave my bed. My psychiatrist wants me in the outpatient program, but they don’t take my insurance for outpatient. She’s trying to get me in through the assistance program, but it’s a process and so far nothing. I have been taking up to 3 xanax a day just to slow my thoughts and keep down the anxiety. I have this feeling of just wanting so bad to cry, but it’s like my body just won’t let me. It’s all building up on the inside and it has no way out.

I’m pissed. I’m scared, and I’m wanting to know if and when this will get better. I started with the organization I was working for as a client back in 2009 then as a volunteer, then I was trained as a peer specialist, then I was hired full time in the position I was just let go from. So for almost 10 years I have been part of this organization and it just seemed so easy for them to say see ya. As if I had no impact on anything, as if I didn’t really matter, as if everything I have ever done meant nothing. For an organization that is supposed to be there to help people they really let me down. I don’t know what I did, or what I didn’t do. I feel stupid, not up to par. I feel confused, and really really angry. I just feel like a failure. I feel like I’m moving backwards in my own recovery and I feel, for lack of better terms, crazy.

How many of you out there have ever felt as if you just didn’t matter anymore. I know there are a lot of people outside of this job that care about me. I know this. I believe this. But the way this all happened with this job, it made me feel as if I was just disposable and like I don’t matter. It makes it really hard to hear people say they care and that I matter and believe it. Because people at this job were telling me that too, then they just basically said see ya. Patty and others around me tell me not to take it personally, but how can I not? How can I not think that this has something to do with my abilities, my skills? I wasn’t even offered the new position. I just wasn’t good enough. I’m not good enough.

I have to thank people like my friend Johanna and my parents, for just being there. For telling me good morning each day and for just encouraging me. I may not be in a state of mind where I can fully believe that it’s going to be ok, but just knowing you aren’t giving up on me too…..that means a lot. You all are the reason I am keeping going. You all are the reason I am not giving in to the thoughts in my head. It’s hard. Because I am a visual person. My thoughts aren’t just thoughts like a normal person. I see my thoughts in pictures. So when I think about self harm, I see myself doing it in my head, and it triggers me more. I don’t know how to make my thoughts not be in pictures, they have always been that way, ever since I was small. Life is a bitch and it’s not easy. I never would expect it to be easy, but I would at least like a break of some sort to just feel normal. To feel as if what I do and say is being heard, is making a difference, and to feel like I want to participate in my own life. I want to feel like I can. I want to feel like I will. I want to feel like I have and I want to feel like I’m not disposable.

Dad is making me go with him to Wisconsin this weekend. We will be leaving tomorrow afternoon. He wants to get me out of the house, the area, and just somewhere else in the hopes that it will help to disconnect from my head for awhile. I hope it works, even if just for a short period of time. I hope it doesn’t turn into a weekend of having to fake it and pretend I’m ok when I’m not….because that takes more energy than I have at this point. I don’t know when this will all be better. I don’t know when I will be able to say it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I could just flip a switch and the depression and anxiety would go away. Unfortunately, that’s not possible. So for now, I just keep going, minute by minute, day by day. I trust in God and pray for hope and healing. I lean on my parents and Johanna. I just want it to all be over.

Thanks for “listening” I know this post probably means nothing to most of you reading it. It probably just sounds like a complaining session. Well, I’m just using this blog to vent it all out, so that’s just the way it is.

“Maybe This Is Just The Way It Had To Be….All These Thoughts I Can’t Ignore, Thoughts That Whisper In A Quiet Roar”– Remedy Drive ‘God I Hope So’

**SELF HARM WARNING***

I had my ECT treatment yesterday….. about an hour into my sleeping when I got home, I received a text from my supervisor saying that the Director said she will keep me on staff at the same amount of hours until I find a new job, or they fill the new position. So I am happy in one sense, because I don’t have to continue to scramble to find something by July 1st and worry about new insurance (at this moment), but at the same time I am not happy at all. I feel a mix of emotions. I feel defeated and used. I feel as if they are only keeping me on because they want to help themselves….but yet I’m not good enough to keep on for the future…..only until I find a new job or they fill the new position. I feel angry. I feel alone, and I feel like none of this is for my own benefit at all. I can almost guarantee that if they find someone before I find a new job, they won’t give me notice, that’s just the way they are. As my title of this blog says though…….Maybe this is just the way it had to be. I don’t know, but I know I don’t like it. Honestly, I’m thinking of just walking. Just up and leave the organization and not worry about the medical bills and such until they come. But I know I can’t do that. I have to “tough it out” and take what I can get and be grateful for the opportunity to still be working while looking for another position. (Man I pulled those words out of my ass lol).

Tomorrow is Father’s day. I have a feeling it will be the last Father’s day we have with my dad’s dad, my grandpa. It hurts just to think about it. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I can’t imagine what it’s going to do to my dad, my grandma, ….all of us.

I’ve been having more self-harm thoughts/ impulses lately. More so the impulses…..as I have been dealing with the thoughts every day for a long time. The impulses though, those can be different. They are the moments I’m eating with a steak knife and all of a sudden wish I had used it on myself and not my food.  Or when I use a razor in the bathroom and it takes everything within me not to use it to intentionally cut myself. The stress from work hasn’t  been helping this either. I’m glad I had ECT yesterday though, because it helped to tame them down for now. They for sure aren’t gone, but it’s not the constant, overwhelming, ongoing impulses.

Do any of you ever just feel so down, so depressed, but so grateful and blessed all at the same time? I am going for a certification called CRSS, Certified Recovery, Support Specialist. Well, it costs $125 for just the test. It was $75 just in the application fee. Well, some people at my church, they are in my Adult Sunday School class, they had asked me last week how the process was going. I told them honestly I don’t have the money to take the test right now, so I’m hoping at some job interviews I can say I have applied and just have to take the test, and that the job would pay for it. Well, these people in my class, they responded with this, “We don’t have our checkbook today, but we want to pay for your test. We want to help you.” I received a check and a card on Wednesday this past week. I cried for a long time, I’m still baffled. I just can’t believe that they did that. That they saw enough hope, purpose, and whatever else within ME to want to do that. I mentioned in the last post I just don’t feel I have a meaning, a purpose, and I don’t feel much hope at all. The only thing I can be hopeful in is Christ, which really is all I need. I am so grateful for these people in my class, so blessed to know them, and just so thankful. I just am still having a hard time figuring out why they love me when I can’t and don’t even love myself.

I’m sorry this post probably means nothing to any of you. I just use this blog as more of a journal, a way to get things out and feel heard, but not feel like I’m going to be judged or get in trouble for what I have to say. I appreciate all of my followers, and I don’t know what I’d do without the comments, or likes you all leave me.

Thank you all.

My Mind Is Racing And My Fingers Can’t Type Fast Enough To Keep up

Literally, the title of this blog is exactly what’s going on. Today at therapy the only way I could describe/ answer the question “how are you” was with the one worded answer of “crummy”. I have no other way to describe the tornado of thoughts and emotions that happen in my head throughout the days and weeks. I had an ECT treatment yesterday, the doctor asked how I was too, I told him I was struggling, and he asked if I wanted him to “up the intensity of the treatment”. I told him no because he was also telling me that it would make me more tired and forgetful for a few days, and I just can’t have that right now. SO for now we left the treatment where it was. It helped some, but this depression is getting worse. My psychiatrist is going to try a couple of small changes in my meds and see where that takes us, but I’m not the most optimistic about it. Truthfully, I’m not optimistic about anything in life right now………thus the depression.

I am so lucky to have the people at church that I have. I have specifically made friends with one couple, Michelle and Patrick. They’re my parents age, but they have given so much to me spiritually. The whole Adult Sunday school class has, but these 2, they have shown specific interest in me and my life and it means a lot to know I will be going into class and they will be there and they will mean it when they ask how I am, how my week was, and what has God been doing in my life? I feel comfortable with them. Talking with them, sharing with them. I truly believe God put them in my life for a reason, and right now that reason looks to be to give me something to look forward to each week and to give a fresh start to the week each week. I am truly grateful and blessed.

The self injury thoughts have been coming back……slowly but surely, stronger at some times than others. I say “coming back”, truly they never went away. I have had at least one thought of SI every day since the last time I engaged in it, but this, now? This is more it’s tied to my emotions, and my thoughts are more invasive and it’s getting harder to not engage in the behavior because honestly? I know it makes me feel better…..I know it works. At least for the short term/ in the moment. I know too, that it causes a lot of problems for me later. It leads to lying, betrayal, and feeling even worse than I already do. BUT like I said, it works in the moment to make the thoughts stop, to get the frustration out, to release the anger and to remind myself I am real, I am still here, that I have more control than my mind is leading me to believe. I just want it all to stop.

These are some of the thoughts going on in my head:
1. I’m worthless and no one, including myself, even know me.
2. People just pretend to like me while I’m around, if they really wanted to be my friend or were truly interested in me, they have my phone number or email at least and they could send me a message or call.
3. I’m ugly
4. I won’t ever succeed or meet my dreams– hell, I don’t even know what dreams I have.
5. The so called “dreams” I can think of, I’m not worthy of anyway.
6. I’m stupid
7. I’m unqualified– for everything I would ever want to do
8. I might as well be dead, because the way I’m feeling isn’t worth it either
9. I know my family would miss me, but I know with death, people manage to move on.
10. There is no hope in life
11. I’m not good enough
12. I just want people to like me……but how can they? I don’t even like me?

As you can see the list goes on…….I could keep going but no one wants to read a bunch of crap thoughts someone is having. I don’t even want to read it. I can give you reasons as to why each one of those thoughts is false, but the problem is I don’t believe it. I don’t believe in myself, and I don’t believe I ever can or will. I believe the world around me. I believe the words of others behind my back or the looks I get from people at times. I believe the way I am treated is a direct result of who I am. Why? Because people treat people the way they do based on what I know of them. People must not like me/ who I am because if they did I swear they’d treat me better. Now, there are people who treat me well. I can say I have a few friends. Like my friend Johanna. She’s someone who I don’t know what I would do without. She makes me laugh, let’s me bitch to her, and we both just vent whatever is going on. But I don’t have friends really around my age. I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t have a social life really outside of my family. I can say, I try my best to live a Christian life and treat others kindly no matter what because I don’t know what’s going on inside their heads, I don’t know what they hold in their pasts, and I will never know if I treat them poorly because that is no way to start a friendship. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how so many people can say nice things about me, say I hold all these traits for good, but then just walk away and never contact me again. I don’t know what it is. Actually I do…….it’s ME…..they simply don’t like me.

I’ve wanted to cry the past week multiple times, but it was that feeling of I want to cry but I just can’t. Like my eyes just won’t let me cry right now. I don’t even know why I wanted to cry……other than the time I smashed my hand in seat of the car as it was sliding forward…..that was a legit reason to cry lol…..but seriously, I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve said it multiple times to my therapist, it’s as if the words haven’t been invented yet.

That’s all the words I’ve got for now…….talk to you all later.

“When The Storm Is Raging, And My Hope Is Gone….”

The title of this post is part of the lyrics to the song “Eye of the storm” by Ryan Stevenson. This song, along with a couple others, has been really hitting home to me lately. I know my blog isn’t the most uplifting blog around, but it is one of the most honest blogs anyone will ever find. I write on this blog almost as if it is my journal. I write on here rather than in a journal because I truly feel like it is a release, I feel like I am being heard…….even though I have no idea who in the world is reading this. I have tried writing in a paper journal, and it works to an extent to get things out, but I don’t feel any closure from it because it’s like, ok now all my emotions are on the paper but now what? I get no feedback from a journal. I know people write blogs for all different reasons, I just wanted to let you all know why I write the way I do, and about the topics I do. I write this blog as my story.

Now to get to my post for today. The lyrics of this song and the few other songs I have clung to over the last couple of weeks have really been hitting home hard for me. I mentioned in a previous post that about a year ago I started going to a new church, after not going to church for a couple of years. The people at this new church are amazing. I have formed friendships I believe will last a long time. I have friends who I am not embarrassed to ask to pray for me, who I also pray for. My faith has grown tremendously, and I have a whole new support system. All this, while at the same time still every day battling depression and thoughts of self harm and suicide. Thoughts I know I won’t act upon, but they cause stress and anxiety all at the same time. I am struggling with my relationship with my mom too. She has a mental illness diagnosis also, and she is at a point in her recovery where she thinks therapy is just a place to go bitch about everything but then leave for week and not work on changing anything. She has this attitude that comes across as if she believes everyone else is wrong and should do everything for her. That the way she feels is everyone else’s fault and they are the ones who need to make changes not her. I know this place well, because I was once there in my own recovery. I, however, was able to see through therapy that basically this world doesn’t revolve around me and I need to work at getting better and my recovery just as hard, if not harder than everyone else around me. I learned my recovery process is not just a process for the one with the diagnosis, but the family too……the family members are there to help and support the individual, but they too need support as the process happens. My mom, because of the depth of her depression, deals with memory loss, and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating to tell her something and then 10 minutes later have her ask again……and then again later. I do get frustrated, and I get angry, then she gets upset because she feels bad she forgot but she also is frustrated with not remembering and she feels hopeless. Well, I get that, but what angers me the most is that she CAN fix it. The doctors have told her it’s due to her depression, but yet she’s not doing anything to move forward in getting better. Her therapist doesn’t challenge her to change or make changes, and her psychiatrist just gives meds and that’s it. Mom goes in and tells the doctor things are fine, when in reality they are NOT fine at all. She doesn’t remember things dad tells her to bring up at the doctor so she doesn’t and the vicious cycle keeps going.

I’m frustrated. It’s hard to watch my mom falling apart, and it’s hard to be around her at all. She get’s upset that I don’t want to do things with her or go places with her, or I’ll work all day and not want to do or go anywhere with her when I get home and she gets upset as if it’s something against her, not that I’m just tired from work and want to chill for a bit. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am not at a point where I can move out of the house……trust me, if I could afford it, I would be out already. I am working on that in many ways. I am very aware that her behaviors and her depression are very triggering and influential of my own depression. I am daily trying to set a schedule and make sure I am taking care of myself first and setting boundaries and all that……but it’s still stressful, and hard…….I mean let’s face it…..Life isn’t perfect…..it’s hard.

I had a phone session with my therapist today because it’s been 3 weeks since I have seen her because she has been out of the office due to medical reasons. I won’t actually see her in a sit down session until at least a week from tomorrow……April 22. She is for sure the best therapist I have ever had….I have been working with her for over 5 years and I couldn’t ask for a better person to listen to me and have empathy towards me but yet challenge me and push me to continue to move forward and towards my goals in life and recovery in general. She doesn’t put up with any shit, she knows when I’m holding things back and she holds me accountable to things I say I am going to do. Today we talked just about what’s been happening over the last few weeks of her being gone. The last few weeks the depression has gotten worse. The nightmares have been peaking and my anxiety has not been good either. Overall, I feel like crap and I don’t know why. I honestly cannot give a reason for why the depression and everything has been getting worse. I can’t explain why I often just feel like crying but the tears just don’t want to come. I can’t give a reason for any of this. And that in itself is a frustrating thing. I just want to feel balanced. I want to wake up in the morning and be glad I woke up. I want to love myself, and see myself as others have described me to be. I want to help myself as much as I have helped others. I want to know what it is that people see in me and I want to believe what they have to say.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if anyone even read this to the end, but I wonder, does anyone else ever feel like  I do lately? Do any of you deal with similar things?

 

That Moment 

That moment when you don’t know why, but you just feel like crying, but your eyes just won’t. I have no idea why this is happening right now, this morning has been ok. Mom and dad came home from vacation last night so I’m not alone anymore, but for some reason, in the last 10 minutes I just got this overwhelming feeling of depression. I just want to cry, but can’t. 

I hate mental illness.