First of all……med changes SUCK. I’m going through a med change because I’ve been struggling with my depression…….well…..It’s in the very beginning stages of the change which means very low doses of the medications and weaning off of the old one ……..which also means the depression will get worse for some time before it gets better. I feel so ……….. exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and just all around. I feel like no matter what I do or say nothing is helping. My thoughts are whirling around self injury and suicide and I just feel so alone in a lot of ways. I know I’m not. I know I have my parents, my grandma, my best friend Johanna, and I have been utilizing them. Talking to them and communicating what’s going on. I guess the better term would be I feel empty, I feel worthless, I feel depressed.
I told my ECT doctor these things on Friday at treatment and he is having me come in 2x this coming week for 2 treatments instead of just one. He wanted to put me inpatient but I told him no. I told him, I’m using my skills, I’m utilizing my supports and I am working hard at everything my doctor and therapist are having me do. He agreed and let me stay outpatient. I have a feeling at some point I will end up in an outpatient program though. I don’t know when, but I can see it coming.
My parents are at a retirement party right now. I’m home by myself. It’s eerie, quiet, and yet so loud because my thoughts are bombarding me. I keep thinking about grabbing a knife, a razor, a lighter anything I could use to just give myself some relief……..a relief I haven’t given to myself in this way since August of 2012. I don’t want to relapse, I don’t want to end that streak of not hurting myself, but this is getting overwhelming. I feel like crying, but nothing will come out. I feel like screaming, but I’m just not strong enough. I need a hug, someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, that I can do this, and that I am capable. My friend Johanna does this for me. She texts me every day. I wish there was a way I could tell her how appreciated she is by me. There are just no words to describe it. She’s the best friend I could ever ask for, and hopefully I help her at least a fraction of how much she helps me.
My boss from NAMI asked me to breakfast this coming Wednesday. I know she’s going to ask me what I’ve been up to, what jobs I’ve applied for, and how the job search is going. I really don’t want to get into that conversation with anyone let alone her. I just want to go and have breakfast, hear why she blew up on one of the other office workers and just talk about random things. I don’t want to feel judged which I know I will. I just don’t want to.
I really want to cry right now. Random thought I know. This whole post is discombobulated I know…….but my mind is just all over the place right now and I can’t stop it.
Please God, just hold me in your arms and hold me close and let me be surrounded by Your love and grace. God, I know you are with me and I know You created me for a reason, but I just feel so lost right now, I feel so scared and I feel like I can’t go on. I have been praying for you to just take me in my sleep Lord. I just want this all to be over. I just want this depression and anxiety to end. What am I doing wrong? I am working so hard, doing everything my doctor and therapist says I take my meds, I do the ECT, and I still feel so down. I love helping others Lord, listening to them and encouraging them. Why can’t I encourage myself?
I don’t know who reads this blog, but if you do, I’m sorry for being so depressing. I use this like a journal and just release everything through it. Thank you to all who read it and “listen” to what I have to say.