They Say It’s Going To Be Okay…..But It Doesn’t Feel That Way At All.

So, I think I mentioned in my last post about how my position at work is basically being eliminated due to budget issues. Well, I have until July to find a new job and I haven’t been getting any bites on my resume……I had 2 job prospects at 2 different places, but both would require me to work every weekend, and that is just not something I can commit to. I just built a community of support at a new church over the last 2 years and I can’t give that up, it wouldn’t be good for my own recovery and I can recognize that. I have applications out at other places too, and just haven’t been hearing anything back. I feel completely hopeless. I don’t know what I’m going to do when July comes and I don’t have a new job…..I need insurance for all my ECT treatments and meds etc. I don’t know how I’ll be able to pay for COBRA insurance, and I just have so much anxiety inside of me right now it’s ridiculous.

I have been going to work and feeling completely unmotivated and just dreading it each morning when I wake up. All because of how they went about this, what they did, and how betrayed I feel. Honestly, if I had a choice in this, I would just walk now….but as I said, I need the insurance as long as possible.

On top of all the work stuff, my sister got engaged last weekend. I know, I know, I should be happy for her……and I am in some ways. And at the same time I feel jealous. Out of all 5 kids (my 3 cousins and then my sister and I) I am now the only one who doesn’t have either a husband, fiance, or significant other. I am the only one alone. The only one who doesn’t have that relationship. I never have, and honestly, believe and feel like I never will. I feel so unworthy of being loved by a man. I feel so stupid, ugly, and worthless. I feel as though no one will ever love me, how could they? I can hardly make friends……yes I have a few, and I love them to death. I have a best friend whom I can rely on for anything, and I know she is always there for me. But my head tells me I am unworthy. Ever since I was a teenager and was shot down by guys when I asked them to go to a dance with me, or hang out, or in college when guys just showed no interest in me either, to now that I’m almost 32 y/o and I wouldn’t even know how to go about meeting someone or dating someone. I just feel unlovable, unworthy, ugly, and stupid. My sister is a bitch. No lying there. She is not nice to me or my mom, He is a great guy, he is funny and just ideal. But God bless him honestly. I hope he knows what he’s getting into.

I know this is a random post….talking about work, then relationships, and now I’m just going to say that I have really been having a hard time…..mostly because of the things mentioned above, but the self injury thoughts are coming up more often, stronger, and I just feel blah. I feel somewhat better than I did now that my psychiatrist changed one of my meds, but I am far off still from being where I want to be and need to be. I just feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel more stupid than I ever have and I feel incapable of succeeding in life. I just have no hope for the future, and I hate that feeling. I’m scared. Anxious. Lonely. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either. (no I’m not suicidal, I just am saying how I feel. I won’t do anything to hurt myself, and I would tell someone if it got to that point. I can promise you all that).

I know I have supports around me. My best friend, my parents, my grandma, my therapist and psychiatrist, people from church. I just feel so ashamed sometimes to speak up and say anything. I just want to cry all the time, but the tears just don’t seem to come, so in turn I get this blank empty look on my face and when someone asks what’s wrong I just respond with “I’m just tired” because as I’ve said before, there are times where it’s like the words just haven’t been invented yet to describe how I feel. It’s like everything and nothing is going through my head all at the same time.

Advertisements

“For Now I’ll Wait, For the Rain To Pass Away……..I’m Lookin’ For The Brighter Days To Come My Way……” – Leeland ‘Brighter Days’

So I know I go through phases of writing on here and not. I know I don’t write that often when it comes to good things going on in my life. I can tell you, that’s because I use this blog as more of a release, a journal of sorts to let things out when things get rough. Don’t get me wrong, good things do happen in my life, and I know I should write more about that, but I feel like writing on here when I’m struggling really helps me. To know that even one person reads it helps me to know that I am heard. I thank you all for that.

The last few weeks/ month or so have not been the greatest at my work.  I have been struggling to feel as if I am wanted there, as if I am appreciated, and honestly, I feel as though I’m not good enough. Not smart enough. Nothing good enough for some of the people at there. My supervisor has gotten better. She has not been talking down to me, and instead has been standing up for me. Telling the “big boss” that I am needed there, and that she needs me too. I’m not going to get into all the details, but let’s just say, I dread going in to work, and I have been looking for another job. The only thing is, is I need a job that will give me Friday’s off as I have ECT treatments on Fridays every other week. I need a job that will be flexible with me and my hours so I can still get insurance and still have my treatments.

I’m scared. I feel as if I can’t do it. I feel stupid. I feel hopeless, and I feel alone. With the one exception of my friend from work, no one seems to understand. I appreciate my friend. I don’t know what I would do without her. She just…..gets it. She gets me. and she gets what it’s like to feel the way I do.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I can find another job. All I know is I can’t go down to 20 hours a week and lose my insurance where I’m at.

Anyway. That’s not all that’s been going on. My grandpa is only getting worse with his dementia and it’s heartbreaking to watch. He doesn’t know our names anymore and it’s killing me. I feel scared of losing him, but hate watching him go through what he’s going through all at the same time.

My mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. I hate it. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but she’s forgetting everything lately too, and always wants the last word or to argue about things. It’s frustrating as hell. I want out, but have nowhere to go and wouldn’t be able to support myself either. I feel like such a failure in life. I’ll never be good enough for anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Mind Is Racing And My Fingers Can’t Type Fast Enough To Keep up

Literally, the title of this blog is exactly what’s going on. Today at therapy the only way I could describe/ answer the question “how are you” was with the one worded answer of “crummy”. I have no other way to describe the tornado of thoughts and emotions that happen in my head throughout the days and weeks. I had an ECT treatment yesterday, the doctor asked how I was too, I told him I was struggling, and he asked if I wanted him to “up the intensity of the treatment”. I told him no because he was also telling me that it would make me more tired and forgetful for a few days, and I just can’t have that right now. SO for now we left the treatment where it was. It helped some, but this depression is getting worse. My psychiatrist is going to try a couple of small changes in my meds and see where that takes us, but I’m not the most optimistic about it. Truthfully, I’m not optimistic about anything in life right now………thus the depression.

I am so lucky to have the people at church that I have. I have specifically made friends with one couple, Michelle and Patrick. They’re my parents age, but they have given so much to me spiritually. The whole Adult Sunday school class has, but these 2, they have shown specific interest in me and my life and it means a lot to know I will be going into class and they will be there and they will mean it when they ask how I am, how my week was, and what has God been doing in my life? I feel comfortable with them. Talking with them, sharing with them. I truly believe God put them in my life for a reason, and right now that reason looks to be to give me something to look forward to each week and to give a fresh start to the week each week. I am truly grateful and blessed.

The self injury thoughts have been coming back……slowly but surely, stronger at some times than others. I say “coming back”, truly they never went away. I have had at least one thought of SI every day since the last time I engaged in it, but this, now? This is more it’s tied to my emotions, and my thoughts are more invasive and it’s getting harder to not engage in the behavior because honestly? I know it makes me feel better…..I know it works. At least for the short term/ in the moment. I know too, that it causes a lot of problems for me later. It leads to lying, betrayal, and feeling even worse than I already do. BUT like I said, it works in the moment to make the thoughts stop, to get the frustration out, to release the anger and to remind myself I am real, I am still here, that I have more control than my mind is leading me to believe. I just want it all to stop.

These are some of the thoughts going on in my head:
1. I’m worthless and no one, including myself, even know me.
2. People just pretend to like me while I’m around, if they really wanted to be my friend or were truly interested in me, they have my phone number or email at least and they could send me a message or call.
3. I’m ugly
4. I won’t ever succeed or meet my dreams– hell, I don’t even know what dreams I have.
5. The so called “dreams” I can think of, I’m not worthy of anyway.
6. I’m stupid
7. I’m unqualified– for everything I would ever want to do
8. I might as well be dead, because the way I’m feeling isn’t worth it either
9. I know my family would miss me, but I know with death, people manage to move on.
10. There is no hope in life
11. I’m not good enough
12. I just want people to like me……but how can they? I don’t even like me?

As you can see the list goes on…….I could keep going but no one wants to read a bunch of crap thoughts someone is having. I don’t even want to read it. I can give you reasons as to why each one of those thoughts is false, but the problem is I don’t believe it. I don’t believe in myself, and I don’t believe I ever can or will. I believe the world around me. I believe the words of others behind my back or the looks I get from people at times. I believe the way I am treated is a direct result of who I am. Why? Because people treat people the way they do based on what I know of them. People must not like me/ who I am because if they did I swear they’d treat me better. Now, there are people who treat me well. I can say I have a few friends. Like my friend Johanna. She’s someone who I don’t know what I would do without. She makes me laugh, let’s me bitch to her, and we both just vent whatever is going on. But I don’t have friends really around my age. I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t have a social life really outside of my family. I can say, I try my best to live a Christian life and treat others kindly no matter what because I don’t know what’s going on inside their heads, I don’t know what they hold in their pasts, and I will never know if I treat them poorly because that is no way to start a friendship. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how so many people can say nice things about me, say I hold all these traits for good, but then just walk away and never contact me again. I don’t know what it is. Actually I do…….it’s ME…..they simply don’t like me.

I’ve wanted to cry the past week multiple times, but it was that feeling of I want to cry but I just can’t. Like my eyes just won’t let me cry right now. I don’t even know why I wanted to cry……other than the time I smashed my hand in seat of the car as it was sliding forward…..that was a legit reason to cry lol…..but seriously, I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve said it multiple times to my therapist, it’s as if the words haven’t been invented yet.

That’s all the words I’ve got for now…….talk to you all later.

When The World Around You Keeps Moving, But You Feel Like You’re Standing Still

So much has been happening since I wrote last time. My grandpa has been put into a nursing home as a permanent thing, and it’s affecting everyone in the family. My grandpa has dementia, we don’t even know if he knows that we are there to visit him every day or not. We do know though that he wouldn’t want to be the way he is right now. His death is inevitable, and it’s not that I’m wishing him dead, but I can say I have accepted that he will die, and that I’m ok with that. I’m going to miss him tremendously, I’m not saying that I won’t be affected by his death, what I’m saying is it isn’t him anymore. He is no longer my grandpa that I have known all my life, no the disease has taken over his mind and his life. I just want him to be at peace, not the agitated and angry person the disease is making him now.

I have been having a really hard time watching this disease take over his mind. It’s really effecting my depression and anxiety and I am trying to stay strong, but it’s slowly causing me to fall apart. My dad is noticing, he asked me what was going on yesterday, and I lied and said I was fine. I know he knows somethings wrong. I just don’t want to put more stress on him with everything else that is already going on.

My job is no longer a job I enjoy. I love the organization I work for, don’t get me wrong. It’s the politics of it all and the stress of working for 2 supervisors and 2 departments and splitting my time between the two and having expectations put on me that I just cannot reach up to. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unqualified, stupid sometimes even. I feel like I’ll never be able to live a non-dependent life on my own. My one supervisor, Patty, she has this way of talking down to me, it makes me feel stupid, like I’m not good enough, like nothing I do will ever be good enough. I sometimes wonder why they haven’t fired me yet because it seems like Patty is always telling me I forgot this or I didn’t do that right or “you need to work on this” and I just can’t ever meet the expectations that she puts on me. I don’t ever hear, “good job” or “I see you worked really hard on this” I only get negative feedback and it’s wearing on me. I tell myself enough negative things, I don’t need it from others too. I already know I’m not good enough. I already know I need to do better, that my best just isn’t good enough. I feel like I just cannot ever win. I love some of my other co-workers, and honestly, they help me get through my days, probably without even knowing they are helping. I want to find another job, but my mind is getting in my way. My head is telling me that no one else would want me because I’m not qualified. I don’t have the skills, I’m not smart enough. I might as well just keep the job I have because it’s better than not having anything at all. Right? I don’t know.

My psychiatrist told me to do 2 things just for myself during the time between our appointments. I know that seems like an easy task. For me though, it’s really hard. I find I am always doing things to give to others or make others happy, not myself. I have a hard time feeling worthy of doing something just for me. I don’t like myself. I don’t believe I deserve good things. It’s hard to explain why that is, because honestly, I can’t even tell you. I just know that I feel I’m not good enough that I’m lucky to have what I already have and to give myself anything else would be greedy, selfish, and rude. I feel there are so many others in the world who need things more than me, I feel like I can offer my time to them and help them more than I can to myself. Anyway, it’s been over a week and  I still haven’t done something for me, I see my Dr. on Wednesday next week and I have to do 2 things before then. I just don’t know what.

A couple weeks ago my dad and I went to Nashville together, I felt conflicting emotions. I was having a good time, but I felt guilty for it. I felt guilty for having fun…..how messed up is that? I love spending time with my dad, but I felt bad we left mom at home. I felt bad that we spent 4 days without going to see grandpa, and I felt like I should have stayed home and let mom and dad go. I don’t know, my mind is getting in the way of my life and I hate it.

Do any of you ever feel these things? Do you ever think you are not worth it? how do you manage your life with those thoughts and feelings? I am managing, or should I say I’m getting through, but it’s tearing me apart. My life isn’t what I want or need it to be and I want this to change, I just don’t know how to do that.

“Always Stay Humble And Kind……”

Well, a few things have happened since I wrote last……so here we go.

As many of you know, my sister and I do not get along…..I mean, I love her because she’s my sister, but she’s not my friend. Granted, things have gotten let’s say about 2% better over the last year but even that is a stretch. Well, for those of you who have read my blog before, you know that I have a mental illness. I have been working for years on this illness to get to the point where I could work a full time job and come off of social security disability. I’m 31, and I feel like I am behind in a sense from where I “should” be at this age. I live with my parents, and I don’t have a boyfriend, and I just feel like I’m failing because of my illness. I feel like this illness has caused me to fall behind in life and what I mean by that is I don’t feel like I can relate to people my age who at this time seem to be buying homes, getting married, and having kids, and I’m just here working a 30 hour a week job living with my parents. Anyway, while I feel behind, I know at the same time that I have come a long way through a lot of challenges and struggles and circumstances that others my age have not had to endure. I am moving forward just at a different pace than my peers. And I have to be ok with that. I have to be ok with the fact that I am different and that my life does look different from others my age. Anyways, the reason I’m bringing this up is because last week I had a complete break down. Long story short (if that’s even possible lol) I was running into some problems with my insurance company and they were saying they weren’t going to be covering my depression treatments that I have every 2 weeks, and the only way I could get it paid for would be to pay over $500 to Medicare….which I was trying to get off of when I ended my social security disability. When the disability ended I had the option of paying for 2 years to continue the medicare, or I could just have it stop. Well, I wanted to just go on my works insurance and go from there. Then I found out my work insurance like I said, wasn’t going to cover these treatments because they were showing that I still had medicare (when I didn’t at that point) and it was just a mess, let’s put it that way. Well, it created a lot of anxiety in me and I came home that night and my dad said he would pay the $ to medicare to get the treatments covered for the next couple of months and then we would figure out how to make sure the medicare ended/ was cancelled correctly and that my work insurance would be able to cover it. I broke down. I broke down because I felt like a complete failure, like I couldn’t take care of myself, pay for my own healthcare, and that I just wasn’t good enough. This all came a few days after my parents got a good deal on new mattresses from a friend who owns a mattress store and they bought me a new bed. Well, my sister found out about this, and called my dad and went off on him saying things like “why the heck are you buying her a bed?! She should be paying for this on her own! She is an adult and needs to be responsible and act like it!” Well, she was yelling at my dad loud enough I was able to hear her through the phone. This made me feel like shit. I never asked my parents to buy that bed. I even offered to pay them back for it. They told me they got a really good deal for buying 2 and that I didn’t have to pay them back. So I graciously accepted it. But when a few days later all that happened with the insurance and I needed my dad to pay the deductible because I didn’t have the money (but I am paying him back in payments) I felt worthless. I felt like I had failed at life. Failed at everything. I broke down to the point where I was crying and my depression and anxiety was horrible in that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, not even 2 ativan had an effect on it. This moment in time I was having thoughts I hadn’t had in a long time. Thoughts about actually hurting myself, and yes, I have those thoughts every day, about self harm, but the daily thoughts are more like passing thoughts that I am able to just ignore. These thoughts that night were thoughts about what am I going to use to cut myself, how can I hide it from my parents, and when I could do it. I had thoughts about the release I would feel and that it would make it all better. I couldn’t get these thoughts to go away. All I could do was shake, cry, and let my dad just hold me tight because I think he could tell what was going on in my head. He hugged me and held me and just kept saying I love you and it’s going to be ok, we’re in this together. If it weren’t for him and my mom that night I truly believe I would have hurt myself badly and probably ended up in the hospital. I took an extra ativan and was able to go to sleep though it was restless; but I didn’t hurt myself and I made it through.

I’m doing much better than that night for sure. Things have settled down, but I’m still in a rough spot of depression. I pray each night God would just take me in His arms and end this pain inside my head.

My grandpa is not doing any better either. He usually is ok mood wise up until about 3 pm when it the day starts to drag on and come to an end. My parents and I went over to the place he is at 2 days ago after I got off of work at 5 pm. He was agitated, restless, angry, confused, and just saying some really mean things. He was trying to stand up and setting off the alarm on his wheel chair. He didn’t want to eat his dinner and kept getting angry at dad for trying to help him eat. He was swearing at my dad and I for telling him to stay seated in his chair that we didn’t want him to fall. He doesn’t understand he cannot do what he used to be able to do because he isn’t strong enough. His dementia has worsened and I know it’s not him when he tells me to shut the hell up or to get the F*** out, I know that’s not my grandpa, but it’s the disease. But it still hurts. It hurts to watch him diminish and know that he will never be the same. It’s hard to know he will never be the pa I know and love and would joke with. He will never be that person again, and that kills me. When he got to the point where he was just so agitated that he was getting even more mean and not stopping, we decided to leave and let the nurses handle him for the night. I made it out to the hallway and I lost it. I just broke down crying because I just want my pa back. I just him to not have to go through this struggle where he has no idea what is going on, but at the same time believes he does…..he believes he is on a train, or at times on a fishing boat, or all these other things. I can’t just not go out and visit him, because he doesn’t always remember my name. I can’t do that. I have to continue to go see him, let him know I love him and that he’s not alone. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about how bad it hurts to watch him struggle, but it’s about loving him and letting him know he isn’t forgotten, he’s still my pa, he’s still my family and I will love him forever.

 

“I don’t know”……Can’t That Be An Acceptable Answer?

My last post I told you all everything that had happened in the span of a week. Well….things haven’t gotten much better. My friend, the teenager who was pregnant, well, she lost the baby. I think it may be a blessing in disguise in many ways, but it’s still a baby and a life lost and that sucks. I feel bad for her in many ways.

My grandpa is still in the hospital, though he was transferred to a rehab facility to hopefully get him stronger so he could go home…..but it isn’t very hopeful he will ever go home. He just isn’t strong enough and grandma can’t take care of him and his mind just isn’t there. He rarely can even remember our names and he gets so agitated so easily. He’s a handful in the nicest of ways to put it. I miss my grandpa. The joker, the one who would laugh with us and make snide comments. I miss the guy who would tell us stories about his life growing up, and I miss being a kid that would get so excited to get a shiny penny from pa each time we’d go over to his house. I miss knowing he understands just how much I love him, and I miss knowing he believes it. I just miss the way it used to be.

My dad keeps asking me, “what’s wrong?” or “how you doing?” and all I can come up with to say is “I don’t know.” and it’s not a lie. I truly don’t know all the time what is wrong or why I feel the way I do…..or even what I’m feeling at all. It’s hard to describe, it’s hard to tell someone that on the inside you are just falling apart but you know you have to be strong on the outside for everyone else or else you’d for sure screw everything up. What I mean by that is if I were to let down my guard, I’d be crying all the time. I wouldn’t be able to focus, and I wouldn’t be able to work. I sometimes find myself driving and then I arrive at my destination and I have no clue how I got there because I was so much in my head instead of paying attention and being mindful of the car ride. I’m lucky I know, that I haven’t been in an accident. I sometimes find myself sitting at work not sure how I’m doing what I need to be doing or getting things done because my mind is not there. But I’m somehow holding it together because I don’t want this depression to win.

I had tried doing ECT treatments every 3 weeks for a couple of times, but just last week my psychiatrist and I decided now is not the time to be spreading them out and trying that. We had to go back to every 2 weeks again. I feel like a failure. I feel like I will never get to where I want to be, do the things I want to do……which honestly I’m not even sure what those things are, and I’m scared of my mind taking over my life. I feel as if I will never get any further than where I am now and I wonder if it’s even worth the effort of trying if failure is what will happen in the end. I just want to be normal, to not have these thoughts, feelings, and depression all the time. I just want to say I want to be alive and mean it. I want to be proud of me not just others be proud of me.

It’s a new year, and I just want it to be better than the past. I just want to say I matter, and believe it. I just don’t know when I’ll ever get to that point.

 

This Is All In One Week???!!!

Again, it’s been awhile since I wrote my last blog, and most of what I am going to be writing about today has to do with events that took place last week, but I haven’t had the words or the courage to write about it. Let me explain…..

I started to tutor a girl when she was in 5th grade. She was having behavioral problems, anger issues, and she wasn’t doing her homework willingly. A mutual friend of mine and her mom knew I was having a hard time with my own depression and other issues and thought that perhaps my being her tutor could help both Her and myself. It would help me by giving me a purpose, a reason to keep going, and it would help her hopefully to not fail and to have a friend and give her hope also. Well, it worked. Long story short, She made it through Jr. High school…..with issues yes, and she was at a behavioral school, and in therapy etc, but I was there as a mentor, a friend, a big sister, and she became a little sister to me too. She knew she could always call me, and she would when she was fighting with her mom or having a bad day etc. Well, last year, her and her mom moved to California. She’s a senior in high school now, 17 years old. They moved out there and things turned around for her. She created a new self. She made friends, she was doing great in school, on track to graduate a semester early and was even taking AP classes to get ahead on college credits. She was going to apply for a pre-nursing program and she had goals, dreams, and hope of it all happening. We talk every couple of weeks on the phone and every week by text. She’s a huge part of my life. I love her like I said like a little sister. She helped me through one of the toughest times of my life, and I helped her too. We just have a special bond. She is 14 years younger than me, but it doesn’t matter. She’s someone I could never explain how much I care for and like I said we just have this special bond. Well…..last Monday, while I was at work, she called me. She says, “I have something to tell you.” I told her I was at work and didn’t have much time to talk, and she said, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were at work, this isn’t something I can tell you while you’re at work” and I responded with “well now you HAVE to tell me because otherwise I’ll be worried all day”. She said ok, and then proceeded to tell me she’s pregnant. All I could say was “wow, ok, well, I’ll be here and support you through all of it.” and that was it. I didn’t talk to her again until Saturday. The time between Monday and Saturday though? Some of the hardest days of my life. I felt disappointed, scared for her, and shocked. I didn’t know what to do. I felt as if maybe I didn’t teach her just how much she truly is worth, that she is worth more than this, she is worthy of her dreams and her goals. That she can and will achieve her goals. I didn’t want to tell her I was disappointed in her but I knew I needed to. I needed to tell her that no matter what she will always be the same person to me, nothing less. That I will never look at her any differently, that I can’t imagine how scared she is right now, and that this is not a get out of college free card. I had to tell her that she could still reach her goal of becoming a nurse, and finishing school. That things are going to be harder, and the timeline will look different and life is not going to be easy, but she is capable and my expectations of her will be no less. This is exactly what I told her on Saturday when I called her. Saturday though, after I was done telling her all these things, she told me she was going to marry the father of her baby.  They have been dating for the entire time she’s lived out there, and he is a nice boy, but I told her not to rush into this, that they don’t have to be married to be a good mom and dad. She said she knew that, but that his parents won’t let him be part of the baby’s life unless he marries her. They are getting married in March. She asked me to be her maid of honor, how could I say no? So now, I guess I’m going out to CA in March to be part of her wedding……… oy vey……let’s just say I wish I could say this was all that happened in this past week………….but it’s not…..

Monday my dad and my grandma took my grandpa to the doctor, who gave him some medication that was supposed to help with anxiety and to help him sleep at night. Well, my grandpa has dementia also, and he had an adverse reaction and started hallucinating and becoming very agitated and angry and mean really. He didn’t sleep for 48 hours and when my grandma finally called the doctor he told her to take him to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t another stroke or brain bleed. It was neither of these things, and they admitted him to the geriatric psych unit where he could be better observed by doctors and nurses and hopefully they would find what was going on. So he was admitted on Thursday and he still isn’t home. He is really confused, unsure of what’s going on, and the dementia obviously isn’t any better, but he did stop the other symptoms for a bit but now the doctors are going to try another med and I’m scared. Scared of what it’s going to do to him, what reaction he will have. It’s a strong medication they are going to try and I’m just not sure about it at all. I have a mental illness myself and have tried multiple meds and I know the different meds and their purposes etc pretty well. I don’t claim to be a doctor, but I really am not sure about this med they are going to try. They said they want to try it in the hospital so they can be sure they are there to help if he does have an adverse reaction, which I think is good, but they are saying he may need to go to palliative care after this hospital stay which is a nursing home for patients right before hospice care. I’m scared, I’m feeling lost, and I don’t want to accept my pa may not be with us much longer. I also know though that he has pulled through times like this in the past, so I don’t want to give up hope either. He is so important to me. My family is really close. Pa is a huge part of my life. Sunday dinner at pa and grandmas and he was always at school events or birthdays or whatever it may have been. He would always give us a shiny penny for doing things good (that was a big deal to a little kid lol) and his birthday is on Veteran’s day and he had my sister, cousins, and I all convinced we had the day off of school for his birthday. He has taught me to be strong, to always laugh, and never be afraid of standing up for myself and working hard. He always says I love you and taught me how important that is, because you never know when that will be the last time you see them. He loves to joke, and that sheepish/ mischievous smile he gets sometimes you know he’s still in there even with the dementia taking over.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for my pa.

All this in one week….let’s just say I’m a bit tired. I’ve only cried 3x at work this past week……which I guess is pretty good…..considering my emotions are all over the place and I just couldn’t stop the tears. I’m lucky to work where I do where people around me understand and don’t judge me for a bad day.

I just pray and know I have to rely on God as He is greater than all of this.

Thank you to all of you for reading this and not judging, but for “listening” blessings to you all and Merry Christmas.