“Maybe This Is Just The Way It Had To Be….All These Thoughts I Can’t Ignore, Thoughts That Whisper In A Quiet Roar”– Remedy Drive ‘God I Hope So’

**SELF HARM WARNING***

I had my ECT treatment yesterday….. about an hour into my sleeping when I got home, I received a text from my supervisor saying that the Director said she will keep me on staff at the same amount of hours until I find a new job, or they fill the new position. So I am happy in one sense, because I don’t have to continue to scramble to find something by July 1st and worry about new insurance (at this moment), but at the same time I am not happy at all. I feel a mix of emotions. I feel defeated and used. I feel as if they are only keeping me on because they want to help themselves….but yet I’m not good enough to keep on for the future…..only until I find a new job or they fill the new position. I feel angry. I feel alone, and I feel like none of this is for my own benefit at all. I can almost guarantee that if they find someone before I find a new job, they won’t give me notice, that’s just the way they are. As my title of this blog says though…….Maybe this is just the way it had to be. I don’t know, but I know I don’t like it. Honestly, I’m thinking of just walking. Just up and leave the organization and not worry about the medical bills and such until they come. But I know I can’t do that. I have to “tough it out” and take what I can get and be grateful for the opportunity to still be working while looking for another position. (Man I pulled those words out of my ass lol).

Tomorrow is Father’s day. I have a feeling it will be the last Father’s day we have with my dad’s dad, my grandpa. It hurts just to think about it. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I can’t imagine what it’s going to do to my dad, my grandma, ….all of us.

I’ve been having more self-harm thoughts/ impulses lately. More so the impulses…..as I have been dealing with the thoughts every day for a long time. The impulses though, those can be different. They are the moments I’m eating with a steak knife and all of a sudden wish I had used it on myself and not my food.  Or when I use a razor in the bathroom and it takes everything within me not to use it to intentionally cut myself. The stress from work hasn’t  been helping this either. I’m glad I had ECT yesterday though, because it helped to tame them down for now. They for sure aren’t gone, but it’s not the constant, overwhelming, ongoing impulses.

Do any of you ever just feel so down, so depressed, but so grateful and blessed all at the same time? I am going for a certification called CRSS, Certified Recovery, Support Specialist. Well, it costs $125 for just the test. It was $75 just in the application fee. Well, some people at my church, they are in my Adult Sunday School class, they had asked me last week how the process was going. I told them honestly I don’t have the money to take the test right now, so I’m hoping at some job interviews I can say I have applied and just have to take the test, and that the job would pay for it. Well, these people in my class, they responded with this, “We don’t have our checkbook today, but we want to pay for your test. We want to help you.” I received a check and a card on Wednesday this past week. I cried for a long time, I’m still baffled. I just can’t believe that they did that. That they saw enough hope, purpose, and whatever else within ME to want to do that. I mentioned in the last post I just don’t feel I have a meaning, a purpose, and I don’t feel much hope at all. The only thing I can be hopeful in is Christ, which really is all I need. I am so grateful for these people in my class, so blessed to know them, and just so thankful. I just am still having a hard time figuring out why they love me when I can’t and don’t even love myself.

I’m sorry this post probably means nothing to any of you. I just use this blog as more of a journal, a way to get things out and feel heard, but not feel like I’m going to be judged or get in trouble for what I have to say. I appreciate all of my followers, and I don’t know what I’d do without the comments, or likes you all leave me.

Thank you all.

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They Say It’s Going To Be Okay…..But It Doesn’t Feel That Way At All.

So, I think I mentioned in my last post about how my position at work is basically being eliminated due to budget issues. Well, I have until July to find a new job and I haven’t been getting any bites on my resume……I had 2 job prospects at 2 different places, but both would require me to work every weekend, and that is just not something I can commit to. I just built a community of support at a new church over the last 2 years and I can’t give that up, it wouldn’t be good for my own recovery and I can recognize that. I have applications out at other places too, and just haven’t been hearing anything back. I feel completely hopeless. I don’t know what I’m going to do when July comes and I don’t have a new job…..I need insurance for all my ECT treatments and meds etc. I don’t know how I’ll be able to pay for COBRA insurance, and I just have so much anxiety inside of me right now it’s ridiculous.

I have been going to work and feeling completely unmotivated and just dreading it each morning when I wake up. All because of how they went about this, what they did, and how betrayed I feel. Honestly, if I had a choice in this, I would just walk now….but as I said, I need the insurance as long as possible.

On top of all the work stuff, my sister got engaged last weekend. I know, I know, I should be happy for her……and I am in some ways. And at the same time I feel jealous. Out of all 5 kids (my 3 cousins and then my sister and I) I am now the only one who doesn’t have either a husband, fiance, or significant other. I am the only one alone. The only one who doesn’t have that relationship. I never have, and honestly, believe and feel like I never will. I feel so unworthy of being loved by a man. I feel so stupid, ugly, and worthless. I feel as though no one will ever love me, how could they? I can hardly make friends……yes I have a few, and I love them to death. I have a best friend whom I can rely on for anything, and I know she is always there for me. But my head tells me I am unworthy. Ever since I was a teenager and was shot down by guys when I asked them to go to a dance with me, or hang out, or in college when guys just showed no interest in me either, to now that I’m almost 32 y/o and I wouldn’t even know how to go about meeting someone or dating someone. I just feel unlovable, unworthy, ugly, and stupid. My sister is a bitch. No lying there. She is not nice to me or my mom, He is a great guy, he is funny and just ideal. But God bless him honestly. I hope he knows what he’s getting into.

I know this is a random post….talking about work, then relationships, and now I’m just going to say that I have really been having a hard time…..mostly because of the things mentioned above, but the self injury thoughts are coming up more often, stronger, and I just feel blah. I feel somewhat better than I did now that my psychiatrist changed one of my meds, but I am far off still from being where I want to be and need to be. I just feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel more stupid than I ever have and I feel incapable of succeeding in life. I just have no hope for the future, and I hate that feeling. I’m scared. Anxious. Lonely. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either. (no I’m not suicidal, I just am saying how I feel. I won’t do anything to hurt myself, and I would tell someone if it got to that point. I can promise you all that).

I know I have supports around me. My best friend, my parents, my grandma, my therapist and psychiatrist, people from church. I just feel so ashamed sometimes to speak up and say anything. I just want to cry all the time, but the tears just don’t seem to come, so in turn I get this blank empty look on my face and when someone asks what’s wrong I just respond with “I’m just tired” because as I’ve said before, there are times where it’s like the words just haven’t been invented yet to describe how I feel. It’s like everything and nothing is going through my head all at the same time.

“For Now I’ll Wait, For the Rain To Pass Away……..I’m Lookin’ For The Brighter Days To Come My Way……” – Leeland ‘Brighter Days’

So I know I go through phases of writing on here and not. I know I don’t write that often when it comes to good things going on in my life. I can tell you, that’s because I use this blog as more of a release, a journal of sorts to let things out when things get rough. Don’t get me wrong, good things do happen in my life, and I know I should write more about that, but I feel like writing on here when I’m struggling really helps me. To know that even one person reads it helps me to know that I am heard. I thank you all for that.

The last few weeks/ month or so have not been the greatest at my work.  I have been struggling to feel as if I am wanted there, as if I am appreciated, and honestly, I feel as though I’m not good enough. Not smart enough. Nothing good enough for some of the people at there. My supervisor has gotten better. She has not been talking down to me, and instead has been standing up for me. Telling the “big boss” that I am needed there, and that she needs me too. I’m not going to get into all the details, but let’s just say, I dread going in to work, and I have been looking for another job. The only thing is, is I need a job that will give me Friday’s off as I have ECT treatments on Fridays every other week. I need a job that will be flexible with me and my hours so I can still get insurance and still have my treatments.

I’m scared. I feel as if I can’t do it. I feel stupid. I feel hopeless, and I feel alone. With the one exception of my friend from work, no one seems to understand. I appreciate my friend. I don’t know what I would do without her. She just…..gets it. She gets me. and she gets what it’s like to feel the way I do.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I can find another job. All I know is I can’t go down to 20 hours a week and lose my insurance where I’m at.

Anyway. That’s not all that’s been going on. My grandpa is only getting worse with his dementia and it’s heartbreaking to watch. He doesn’t know our names anymore and it’s killing me. I feel scared of losing him, but hate watching him go through what he’s going through all at the same time.

My mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. I hate it. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but she’s forgetting everything lately too, and always wants the last word or to argue about things. It’s frustrating as hell. I want out, but have nowhere to go and wouldn’t be able to support myself either. I feel like such a failure in life. I’ll never be good enough for anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I Don’t Know How You Do It”…….”Yeah, Neither Do I”

God has been blessing me over the last week. Or maybe I should say it this way, I have been seeing God’s blessings to me this past week. I am still struggling, hard, with the depression, but there have just been some times in the last week where I can truly say “God did that”. There’s a co-worker of mine— Rachel— Who has also been struggling lately and she saw a facebook post I had put up and she texted me to let me know that I wasn’t the only one feeling as if there was no positive feedback within our office. She let me know that I am doing a good job, and that she can see it bothers me that I try so hard and then get no feedback other than things like “well you could have ……” or “why didn’t you …….” it’s frustrating and it wares on a persons self-esteem fast. It’s just been good to know Rachel sees it too, that I’m not alone in this as a staff member at our office.

Another viewing of God is my friend Johanna. She just seems to be there to give a hug at all the right times. She comes into the office for her meetings and they all just seem to be at the right moment. She makes me laugh, and we are even going to go to lunch today and just hang out. I’m really looking forward to that. I am anxious about it too….and I know she’s reading this blog, and I just want to say, I’m only anxious because I am not used to having friends who are truly interested in me or interested in getting to know me as a person, not just a coworker or whatever. I’m not used to having friends ….. only acquaintances. Johanna is an amazing friend though, always knows just when to text a “hello” or “good morning” and just seems to “get me” she understands where I’m coming from and it doesn’t scare her away.

After lunch with Johanna today I’m going to grandmas house with a bunch of my family to make potato pancakes. It should be interesting. I say that because, well, I don’t know why. I am anxious about this too, and I’m not really sure why I am anxious about it. It’s just going to be a few cousins, my mom, aunt and uncle, my grandma and possibly my sister and a friend at some point. I guess I’m anxious because my depression has been overwhelming, and it’s going to be hard to stay focused, in the moment, present with my family, and not “zone out” or isolate within the group of people. I suppose this is also known as dissociation. It hasn’t happened in a long time for me, but I just have been feeling lately like it’s been harder and harder to stay in the moment and while I have been able to up to now, I don’t know I will be able to later today. I don’t know for sure, so we shall see.

I don’t know how many people actually read this blog, and I’ve said that before, but I just want to let you all know, I write exactly what’s on my mind and I do this as a way to let it all out. I have found that writing in a journal doesn’t work, because I feel like I’m not truly “getting it out” because no one is seeing it. With this blog though, even though you all are strangers, I feel like I’m being heard, that my deepest thoughts and aches and questions of life are being heard and acknowledged, that I am not just writing, but I am writing and people are “hearing me” it does a lot for me to know I’m being heard. So thank you to every single one of you who have ever read my blog, liked it or commented on it. I really appreciate you all.

 

My Mind Is Racing And My Fingers Can’t Type Fast Enough To Keep up

Literally, the title of this blog is exactly what’s going on. Today at therapy the only way I could describe/ answer the question “how are you” was with the one worded answer of “crummy”. I have no other way to describe the tornado of thoughts and emotions that happen in my head throughout the days and weeks. I had an ECT treatment yesterday, the doctor asked how I was too, I told him I was struggling, and he asked if I wanted him to “up the intensity of the treatment”. I told him no because he was also telling me that it would make me more tired and forgetful for a few days, and I just can’t have that right now. SO for now we left the treatment where it was. It helped some, but this depression is getting worse. My psychiatrist is going to try a couple of small changes in my meds and see where that takes us, but I’m not the most optimistic about it. Truthfully, I’m not optimistic about anything in life right now………thus the depression.

I am so lucky to have the people at church that I have. I have specifically made friends with one couple, Michelle and Patrick. They’re my parents age, but they have given so much to me spiritually. The whole Adult Sunday school class has, but these 2, they have shown specific interest in me and my life and it means a lot to know I will be going into class and they will be there and they will mean it when they ask how I am, how my week was, and what has God been doing in my life? I feel comfortable with them. Talking with them, sharing with them. I truly believe God put them in my life for a reason, and right now that reason looks to be to give me something to look forward to each week and to give a fresh start to the week each week. I am truly grateful and blessed.

The self injury thoughts have been coming back……slowly but surely, stronger at some times than others. I say “coming back”, truly they never went away. I have had at least one thought of SI every day since the last time I engaged in it, but this, now? This is more it’s tied to my emotions, and my thoughts are more invasive and it’s getting harder to not engage in the behavior because honestly? I know it makes me feel better…..I know it works. At least for the short term/ in the moment. I know too, that it causes a lot of problems for me later. It leads to lying, betrayal, and feeling even worse than I already do. BUT like I said, it works in the moment to make the thoughts stop, to get the frustration out, to release the anger and to remind myself I am real, I am still here, that I have more control than my mind is leading me to believe. I just want it all to stop.

These are some of the thoughts going on in my head:
1. I’m worthless and no one, including myself, even know me.
2. People just pretend to like me while I’m around, if they really wanted to be my friend or were truly interested in me, they have my phone number or email at least and they could send me a message or call.
3. I’m ugly
4. I won’t ever succeed or meet my dreams– hell, I don’t even know what dreams I have.
5. The so called “dreams” I can think of, I’m not worthy of anyway.
6. I’m stupid
7. I’m unqualified– for everything I would ever want to do
8. I might as well be dead, because the way I’m feeling isn’t worth it either
9. I know my family would miss me, but I know with death, people manage to move on.
10. There is no hope in life
11. I’m not good enough
12. I just want people to like me……but how can they? I don’t even like me?

As you can see the list goes on…….I could keep going but no one wants to read a bunch of crap thoughts someone is having. I don’t even want to read it. I can give you reasons as to why each one of those thoughts is false, but the problem is I don’t believe it. I don’t believe in myself, and I don’t believe I ever can or will. I believe the world around me. I believe the words of others behind my back or the looks I get from people at times. I believe the way I am treated is a direct result of who I am. Why? Because people treat people the way they do based on what I know of them. People must not like me/ who I am because if they did I swear they’d treat me better. Now, there are people who treat me well. I can say I have a few friends. Like my friend Johanna. She’s someone who I don’t know what I would do without. She makes me laugh, let’s me bitch to her, and we both just vent whatever is going on. But I don’t have friends really around my age. I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t have a social life really outside of my family. I can say, I try my best to live a Christian life and treat others kindly no matter what because I don’t know what’s going on inside their heads, I don’t know what they hold in their pasts, and I will never know if I treat them poorly because that is no way to start a friendship. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how so many people can say nice things about me, say I hold all these traits for good, but then just walk away and never contact me again. I don’t know what it is. Actually I do…….it’s ME…..they simply don’t like me.

I’ve wanted to cry the past week multiple times, but it was that feeling of I want to cry but I just can’t. Like my eyes just won’t let me cry right now. I don’t even know why I wanted to cry……other than the time I smashed my hand in seat of the car as it was sliding forward…..that was a legit reason to cry lol…..but seriously, I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve said it multiple times to my therapist, it’s as if the words haven’t been invented yet.

That’s all the words I’ve got for now…….talk to you all later.

This Is All In One Week???!!!

Again, it’s been awhile since I wrote my last blog, and most of what I am going to be writing about today has to do with events that took place last week, but I haven’t had the words or the courage to write about it. Let me explain…..

I started to tutor a girl when she was in 5th grade. She was having behavioral problems, anger issues, and she wasn’t doing her homework willingly. A mutual friend of mine and her mom knew I was having a hard time with my own depression and other issues and thought that perhaps my being her tutor could help both Her and myself. It would help me by giving me a purpose, a reason to keep going, and it would help her hopefully to not fail and to have a friend and give her hope also. Well, it worked. Long story short, She made it through Jr. High school…..with issues yes, and she was at a behavioral school, and in therapy etc, but I was there as a mentor, a friend, a big sister, and she became a little sister to me too. She knew she could always call me, and she would when she was fighting with her mom or having a bad day etc. Well, last year, her and her mom moved to California. She’s a senior in high school now, 17 years old. They moved out there and things turned around for her. She created a new self. She made friends, she was doing great in school, on track to graduate a semester early and was even taking AP classes to get ahead on college credits. She was going to apply for a pre-nursing program and she had goals, dreams, and hope of it all happening. We talk every couple of weeks on the phone and every week by text. She’s a huge part of my life. I love her like I said like a little sister. She helped me through one of the toughest times of my life, and I helped her too. We just have a special bond. She is 14 years younger than me, but it doesn’t matter. She’s someone I could never explain how much I care for and like I said we just have this special bond. Well…..last Monday, while I was at work, she called me. She says, “I have something to tell you.” I told her I was at work and didn’t have much time to talk, and she said, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were at work, this isn’t something I can tell you while you’re at work” and I responded with “well now you HAVE to tell me because otherwise I’ll be worried all day”. She said ok, and then proceeded to tell me she’s pregnant. All I could say was “wow, ok, well, I’ll be here and support you through all of it.” and that was it. I didn’t talk to her again until Saturday. The time between Monday and Saturday though? Some of the hardest days of my life. I felt disappointed, scared for her, and shocked. I didn’t know what to do. I felt as if maybe I didn’t teach her just how much she truly is worth, that she is worth more than this, she is worthy of her dreams and her goals. That she can and will achieve her goals. I didn’t want to tell her I was disappointed in her but I knew I needed to. I needed to tell her that no matter what she will always be the same person to me, nothing less. That I will never look at her any differently, that I can’t imagine how scared she is right now, and that this is not a get out of college free card. I had to tell her that she could still reach her goal of becoming a nurse, and finishing school. That things are going to be harder, and the timeline will look different and life is not going to be easy, but she is capable and my expectations of her will be no less. This is exactly what I told her on Saturday when I called her. Saturday though, after I was done telling her all these things, she told me she was going to marry the father of her baby.  They have been dating for the entire time she’s lived out there, and he is a nice boy, but I told her not to rush into this, that they don’t have to be married to be a good mom and dad. She said she knew that, but that his parents won’t let him be part of the baby’s life unless he marries her. They are getting married in March. She asked me to be her maid of honor, how could I say no? So now, I guess I’m going out to CA in March to be part of her wedding……… oy vey……let’s just say I wish I could say this was all that happened in this past week………….but it’s not…..

Monday my dad and my grandma took my grandpa to the doctor, who gave him some medication that was supposed to help with anxiety and to help him sleep at night. Well, my grandpa has dementia also, and he had an adverse reaction and started hallucinating and becoming very agitated and angry and mean really. He didn’t sleep for 48 hours and when my grandma finally called the doctor he told her to take him to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t another stroke or brain bleed. It was neither of these things, and they admitted him to the geriatric psych unit where he could be better observed by doctors and nurses and hopefully they would find what was going on. So he was admitted on Thursday and he still isn’t home. He is really confused, unsure of what’s going on, and the dementia obviously isn’t any better, but he did stop the other symptoms for a bit but now the doctors are going to try another med and I’m scared. Scared of what it’s going to do to him, what reaction he will have. It’s a strong medication they are going to try and I’m just not sure about it at all. I have a mental illness myself and have tried multiple meds and I know the different meds and their purposes etc pretty well. I don’t claim to be a doctor, but I really am not sure about this med they are going to try. They said they want to try it in the hospital so they can be sure they are there to help if he does have an adverse reaction, which I think is good, but they are saying he may need to go to palliative care after this hospital stay which is a nursing home for patients right before hospice care. I’m scared, I’m feeling lost, and I don’t want to accept my pa may not be with us much longer. I also know though that he has pulled through times like this in the past, so I don’t want to give up hope either. He is so important to me. My family is really close. Pa is a huge part of my life. Sunday dinner at pa and grandmas and he was always at school events or birthdays or whatever it may have been. He would always give us a shiny penny for doing things good (that was a big deal to a little kid lol) and his birthday is on Veteran’s day and he had my sister, cousins, and I all convinced we had the day off of school for his birthday. He has taught me to be strong, to always laugh, and never be afraid of standing up for myself and working hard. He always says I love you and taught me how important that is, because you never know when that will be the last time you see them. He loves to joke, and that sheepish/ mischievous smile he gets sometimes you know he’s still in there even with the dementia taking over.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for my pa.

All this in one week….let’s just say I’m a bit tired. I’ve only cried 3x at work this past week……which I guess is pretty good…..considering my emotions are all over the place and I just couldn’t stop the tears. I’m lucky to work where I do where people around me understand and don’t judge me for a bad day.

I just pray and know I have to rely on God as He is greater than all of this.

Thank you to all of you for reading this and not judging, but for “listening” blessings to you all and Merry Christmas.

I Have No Quote or Song Lyrics to Use as My Title……So…….yeah……..

So last time I wrote I was telling you all about the havoc going on at my work place. Things haven’t necessarily gotten better, but I can say things have become more consistent. Everyone is getting more used to the changes and while no one I believe can honestly say they like the changes, we all can say we are glad to have a job. I don’t like the changes that have been made. I feel they are basically a band-aid to the problems deep below with irresponsibility and poor management of money and running the organization. I believe in the organization though. I believe in the mission of it, the purpose of it, and I believe in the reason I started as a volunteer for this organization in the first place. THOSE are the reasons I decided to not just get caught up in all the chaos going on and changes and just quit. I have chosen to see where things go, where things lead my position to and to see what skills I can learn and build upon because of the changes we are going through as an organization. I know this won’t be a job I’ll be at for years upon years…….it doesn’t pay nearly enough for that; but I can take advantage of learning while I am here and utilize it as a stepping stone to something bigger and better.

I have made some really good friends because of where I work. I have mentioned Johanna in the past and I want to mention her again. She is older than I am, yes, but I consider her to be one of my bestest (yes I know that’s not a word) friends ever. She just gets me. She knows when I need a hug, and she knows at the same time when to just not push for whatever and just let me be. I feel like I understand her too. Well, she just had total knee replacement surgery last week. Her husband was working and her kids were either working or at school and none of them could be at the hospital with her the day after her surgery. Let me tell you…. you don’t leave someone with high anxiety alone in a hospital room the day after a major surgery. I couldn’t believe it when she told me no one was going to come sit with her. It honestly, made me mad. That’s not how family is supposed to treat family. I knew what I had to do right away. I offered to go sit with her, it was my day off of work anyways and I had no problem driving out there just to sit with her so she didn’t have to be alone. She was baffled. Which baffled me. For real, to me, that was what friends do for friends. Friends are supposed to be there when others can’t when everyone else is being bitchy or whatever. I didn’t think twice about it. Just as I didn’t think twice about driving her home when she was discharged from the hospital, and I didn’t think twice about just being with her for as long as needed when we found ourselves locked out of her house. All these things, they were just instinctual to me. I hope she knows now……that’s just what friends do, they are there when no one else can be.  She’s an amazing friend to me…….why wouldn’t I return that?

Speaking of friends. I think I’ve mentioned this person before…..Karlee….. She is 14 years younger than I am. I started as her tutor when she was in 5th grade.  She had the worst behavior I have ever seen. She was struggling. I was struggling in my own ways and her mom needed help getting her to do her homework. I was there 4 days a week helping her with it. She would get so angry, she would punch holes in the wall, her mom had called the cops on her at times and yet, after awhile of me being there, she started to change…..at least during the time I was there. She started respecting me. She would call me throughout the week when she was fighting with her mom, or when she’d get in trouble at school. We formed this bond. I became more of a mentor and big sister to her and she became a little sister to me. She was someone who I was determined to work hard with in order to help her to succeed. Every time I would see her do something where she succeeded at it…..I would get this overwhelming sense of pride. This relationship/ bond went on for years where I’d pick her up on the weekends and we’d just go get lunch, or go hang out. She would call me all the time or text me just letting me know how her day was going or about a boy she thought was cute. Then, 2 years ago, her mom and her moved to Fresno California. That’s a long way from chicagoland. The phone calls didn’t stop, but they started to get further and further apart. I tried to text her as often as possible just to “check in”. but I didn’t want to invade her new life either. She was trying to adjust to a whole new state, school, friends, etc. I didn’t want to interfere, but I still wanted to be there for her whenever she needed. I talked to her last night, it was the first time in a long time…..probably 6 months. Well, she’s going to be 18 in January, she’s taking an AP class in school, and over break she is going to do 4 classes online so she can graduate early because she wants to start nursing school at the local community college. I never thought I’d see the day when she would say to me “I want to take this class over again to see if I can get a better grade to help later on in college” She said that to me yesterday and honestly, when I hung up the phone, I cried. Not sad tears, but because I was SOOOO proud of her. I miss her tons. She means the world to me. I am so happy to know though just how far she truly has come, and I am honored to have had a part in her life and to continue to play a part in her life.