“Maybe This Is Just The Way It Had To Be….All These Thoughts I Can’t Ignore, Thoughts That Whisper In A Quiet Roar”– Remedy Drive ‘God I Hope So’

**SELF HARM WARNING***

I had my ECT treatment yesterday….. about an hour into my sleeping when I got home, I received a text from my supervisor saying that the Director said she will keep me on staff at the same amount of hours until I find a new job, or they fill the new position. So I am happy in one sense, because I don’t have to continue to scramble to find something by July 1st and worry about new insurance (at this moment), but at the same time I am not happy at all. I feel a mix of emotions. I feel defeated and used. I feel as if they are only keeping me on because they want to help themselves….but yet I’m not good enough to keep on for the future…..only until I find a new job or they fill the new position. I feel angry. I feel alone, and I feel like none of this is for my own benefit at all. I can almost guarantee that if they find someone before I find a new job, they won’t give me notice, that’s just the way they are. As my title of this blog says though…….Maybe this is just the way it had to be. I don’t know, but I know I don’t like it. Honestly, I’m thinking of just walking. Just up and leave the organization and not worry about the medical bills and such until they come. But I know I can’t do that. I have to “tough it out” and take what I can get and be grateful for the opportunity to still be working while looking for another position. (Man I pulled those words out of my ass lol).

Tomorrow is Father’s day. I have a feeling it will be the last Father’s day we have with my dad’s dad, my grandpa. It hurts just to think about it. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I can’t imagine what it’s going to do to my dad, my grandma, ….all of us.

I’ve been having more self-harm thoughts/ impulses lately. More so the impulses…..as I have been dealing with the thoughts every day for a long time. The impulses though, those can be different. They are the moments I’m eating with a steak knife and all of a sudden wish I had used it on myself and not my food.  Or when I use a razor in the bathroom and it takes everything within me not to use it to intentionally cut myself. The stress from work hasn’t  been helping this either. I’m glad I had ECT yesterday though, because it helped to tame them down for now. They for sure aren’t gone, but it’s not the constant, overwhelming, ongoing impulses.

Do any of you ever just feel so down, so depressed, but so grateful and blessed all at the same time? I am going for a certification called CRSS, Certified Recovery, Support Specialist. Well, it costs $125 for just the test. It was $75 just in the application fee. Well, some people at my church, they are in my Adult Sunday School class, they had asked me last week how the process was going. I told them honestly I don’t have the money to take the test right now, so I’m hoping at some job interviews I can say I have applied and just have to take the test, and that the job would pay for it. Well, these people in my class, they responded with this, “We don’t have our checkbook today, but we want to pay for your test. We want to help you.” I received a check and a card on Wednesday this past week. I cried for a long time, I’m still baffled. I just can’t believe that they did that. That they saw enough hope, purpose, and whatever else within ME to want to do that. I mentioned in the last post I just don’t feel I have a meaning, a purpose, and I don’t feel much hope at all. The only thing I can be hopeful in is Christ, which really is all I need. I am so grateful for these people in my class, so blessed to know them, and just so thankful. I just am still having a hard time figuring out why they love me when I can’t and don’t even love myself.

I’m sorry this post probably means nothing to any of you. I just use this blog as more of a journal, a way to get things out and feel heard, but not feel like I’m going to be judged or get in trouble for what I have to say. I appreciate all of my followers, and I don’t know what I’d do without the comments, or likes you all leave me.

Thank you all.

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“Always Stay Humble And Kind……”

Well, a few things have happened since I wrote last……so here we go.

As many of you know, my sister and I do not get along…..I mean, I love her because she’s my sister, but she’s not my friend. Granted, things have gotten let’s say about 2% better over the last year but even that is a stretch. Well, for those of you who have read my blog before, you know that I have a mental illness. I have been working for years on this illness to get to the point where I could work a full time job and come off of social security disability. I’m 31, and I feel like I am behind in a sense from where I “should” be at this age. I live with my parents, and I don’t have a boyfriend, and I just feel like I’m failing because of my illness. I feel like this illness has caused me to fall behind in life and what I mean by that is I don’t feel like I can relate to people my age who at this time seem to be buying homes, getting married, and having kids, and I’m just here working a 30 hour a week job living with my parents. Anyway, while I feel behind, I know at the same time that I have come a long way through a lot of challenges and struggles and circumstances that others my age have not had to endure. I am moving forward just at a different pace than my peers. And I have to be ok with that. I have to be ok with the fact that I am different and that my life does look different from others my age. Anyways, the reason I’m bringing this up is because last week I had a complete break down. Long story short (if that’s even possible lol) I was running into some problems with my insurance company and they were saying they weren’t going to be covering my depression treatments that I have every 2 weeks, and the only way I could get it paid for would be to pay over $500 to Medicare….which I was trying to get off of when I ended my social security disability. When the disability ended I had the option of paying for 2 years to continue the medicare, or I could just have it stop. Well, I wanted to just go on my works insurance and go from there. Then I found out my work insurance like I said, wasn’t going to cover these treatments because they were showing that I still had medicare (when I didn’t at that point) and it was just a mess, let’s put it that way. Well, it created a lot of anxiety in me and I came home that night and my dad said he would pay the $ to medicare to get the treatments covered for the next couple of months and then we would figure out how to make sure the medicare ended/ was cancelled correctly and that my work insurance would be able to cover it. I broke down. I broke down because I felt like a complete failure, like I couldn’t take care of myself, pay for my own healthcare, and that I just wasn’t good enough. This all came a few days after my parents got a good deal on new mattresses from a friend who owns a mattress store and they bought me a new bed. Well, my sister found out about this, and called my dad and went off on him saying things like “why the heck are you buying her a bed?! She should be paying for this on her own! She is an adult and needs to be responsible and act like it!” Well, she was yelling at my dad loud enough I was able to hear her through the phone. This made me feel like shit. I never asked my parents to buy that bed. I even offered to pay them back for it. They told me they got a really good deal for buying 2 and that I didn’t have to pay them back. So I graciously accepted it. But when a few days later all that happened with the insurance and I needed my dad to pay the deductible because I didn’t have the money (but I am paying him back in payments) I felt worthless. I felt like I had failed at life. Failed at everything. I broke down to the point where I was crying and my depression and anxiety was horrible in that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, not even 2 ativan had an effect on it. This moment in time I was having thoughts I hadn’t had in a long time. Thoughts about actually hurting myself, and yes, I have those thoughts every day, about self harm, but the daily thoughts are more like passing thoughts that I am able to just ignore. These thoughts that night were thoughts about what am I going to use to cut myself, how can I hide it from my parents, and when I could do it. I had thoughts about the release I would feel and that it would make it all better. I couldn’t get these thoughts to go away. All I could do was shake, cry, and let my dad just hold me tight because I think he could tell what was going on in my head. He hugged me and held me and just kept saying I love you and it’s going to be ok, we’re in this together. If it weren’t for him and my mom that night I truly believe I would have hurt myself badly and probably ended up in the hospital. I took an extra ativan and was able to go to sleep though it was restless; but I didn’t hurt myself and I made it through.

I’m doing much better than that night for sure. Things have settled down, but I’m still in a rough spot of depression. I pray each night God would just take me in His arms and end this pain inside my head.

My grandpa is not doing any better either. He usually is ok mood wise up until about 3 pm when it the day starts to drag on and come to an end. My parents and I went over to the place he is at 2 days ago after I got off of work at 5 pm. He was agitated, restless, angry, confused, and just saying some really mean things. He was trying to stand up and setting off the alarm on his wheel chair. He didn’t want to eat his dinner and kept getting angry at dad for trying to help him eat. He was swearing at my dad and I for telling him to stay seated in his chair that we didn’t want him to fall. He doesn’t understand he cannot do what he used to be able to do because he isn’t strong enough. His dementia has worsened and I know it’s not him when he tells me to shut the hell up or to get the F*** out, I know that’s not my grandpa, but it’s the disease. But it still hurts. It hurts to watch him diminish and know that he will never be the same. It’s hard to know he will never be the pa I know and love and would joke with. He will never be that person again, and that kills me. When he got to the point where he was just so agitated that he was getting even more mean and not stopping, we decided to leave and let the nurses handle him for the night. I made it out to the hallway and I lost it. I just broke down crying because I just want my pa back. I just him to not have to go through this struggle where he has no idea what is going on, but at the same time believes he does…..he believes he is on a train, or at times on a fishing boat, or all these other things. I can’t just not go out and visit him, because he doesn’t always remember my name. I can’t do that. I have to continue to go see him, let him know I love him and that he’s not alone. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about how bad it hurts to watch him struggle, but it’s about loving him and letting him know he isn’t forgotten, he’s still my pa, he’s still my family and I will love him forever.

 

“I don’t know”……Can’t That Be An Acceptable Answer?

My last post I told you all everything that had happened in the span of a week. Well….things haven’t gotten much better. My friend, the teenager who was pregnant, well, she lost the baby. I think it may be a blessing in disguise in many ways, but it’s still a baby and a life lost and that sucks. I feel bad for her in many ways.

My grandpa is still in the hospital, though he was transferred to a rehab facility to hopefully get him stronger so he could go home…..but it isn’t very hopeful he will ever go home. He just isn’t strong enough and grandma can’t take care of him and his mind just isn’t there. He rarely can even remember our names and he gets so agitated so easily. He’s a handful in the nicest of ways to put it. I miss my grandpa. The joker, the one who would laugh with us and make snide comments. I miss the guy who would tell us stories about his life growing up, and I miss being a kid that would get so excited to get a shiny penny from pa each time we’d go over to his house. I miss knowing he understands just how much I love him, and I miss knowing he believes it. I just miss the way it used to be.

My dad keeps asking me, “what’s wrong?” or “how you doing?” and all I can come up with to say is “I don’t know.” and it’s not a lie. I truly don’t know all the time what is wrong or why I feel the way I do…..or even what I’m feeling at all. It’s hard to describe, it’s hard to tell someone that on the inside you are just falling apart but you know you have to be strong on the outside for everyone else or else you’d for sure screw everything up. What I mean by that is if I were to let down my guard, I’d be crying all the time. I wouldn’t be able to focus, and I wouldn’t be able to work. I sometimes find myself driving and then I arrive at my destination and I have no clue how I got there because I was so much in my head instead of paying attention and being mindful of the car ride. I’m lucky I know, that I haven’t been in an accident. I sometimes find myself sitting at work not sure how I’m doing what I need to be doing or getting things done because my mind is not there. But I’m somehow holding it together because I don’t want this depression to win.

I had tried doing ECT treatments every 3 weeks for a couple of times, but just last week my psychiatrist and I decided now is not the time to be spreading them out and trying that. We had to go back to every 2 weeks again. I feel like a failure. I feel like I will never get to where I want to be, do the things I want to do……which honestly I’m not even sure what those things are, and I’m scared of my mind taking over my life. I feel as if I will never get any further than where I am now and I wonder if it’s even worth the effort of trying if failure is what will happen in the end. I just want to be normal, to not have these thoughts, feelings, and depression all the time. I just want to say I want to be alive and mean it. I want to be proud of me not just others be proud of me.

It’s a new year, and I just want it to be better than the past. I just want to say I matter, and believe it. I just don’t know when I’ll ever get to that point.

 

When Everything Around You Takes You By Surprise…….

I know I am not as “regular” of a writer here on this blog as many of you are, but I tend to just write when something’s going on, or when something just inspires me to write. I don’t do the every day thing, but I really enjoy reading the blogs of people who are. Anyway, there’s no real reason for that little side note, other than the fact that I am stalling writing this next blog.

Everything I’m going to write about today may not make too much sense to you all. It may be a longer blog than normal, but I would still appreciate your feedback; whether through comments, or just simply liking the blog. Thanks.

So the last time I wrote was just a little over 2 weeks ago. I had just tried the support group for women victims of sexual abuse. I was so anxious that day, and I wanted to give a quick update on how the second one went. It went really really well. There were a couple people who didn’t make it to the first one, but are part of the group, and made it to the second one, and the mixture of personalities is really cool. I felt super comfortable with these ladies and the facilitators and I really believe this is a good thing for me. I don’t want to lie, I still took an ativan, and I was still crazy nervous to get out of my car and actually go in, but once I did, I was super glad. I have a feeling this next meeting will be a lot less anxiety provoking for me.

A lot has been going on in my life over the last 2 weeks. I had a group of co-worker’s over to my house for a BBQ and it was great. I love each and every one of them, and respect them all just as much. They are truly great people doing great things. The only unfortunate thing, however, is I found out the Thursday before this BBQ (which by the way had been planned for over 3 weeks), that the program these co-worker’s are part of at the organization was going to be going through some cuts due to budgetary issues. I didn’t know what to think when my boss told me this was going to be happening. I was angry, sad, scared, and just shocked that the organization let the budget get this out of control (I can’t say specifics, but it never should have gotten this bad). I decided after hearing the news to still have the BBQ and enjoy the time with all these people. It was hard though, knowing this budget issue would touch each of them personally, either directly or indirectly. Then the following week came, and we had to sit down and have a meeting with these people to tell them all the basics of what was going on. Some got really upset, others, just sat there in silence, and you could just see they were boiling. We met with them as a group, but would be setting up times to meet with each individually to talk to them about how it would affect them personally. We were going to be cutting the hours of the program in half basically, and go down to staffing for those hours being done by only one individual, and not two. So some of them would be losing all their hours in this program completely.

It was horrible to be in the meeting where our director and my supervisor were telling everyone what was going on. To see the faces of these people, who just 3 months ago, I was working directly with, I was doing the same job, they were not only my co-workers, but my friends. Now, I had to sit on the other side and be there when they all found out this news. It’s not easy for sure. I don’t want any of them to feel like I “went to the other side” or “ditched them” I just took on a new position and I care for each of them just the same. Unfortunately, some of them just don’t that.

 

My Grandpa has also been struggling pretty bad lately. He went into the hospital on Memorial Day because he was leaning to the left and saying he was sitting straight up. He was unable to lift his feet up to be able to walk effectively or to step up a 3 inch step into the house, and we as his family, feared stroke, and so did his doctor when we called him. We took him to the ER and from there he was admitted. After a couple days in the main hospital, he was accepted into the rehab program. He was over in that program until just 3 days ago. While in the program, he was so so confused. He also had dementia, and as part of that horrible disease, when you are taken out of your known environment, the confusion gets worse. Well, it did. He had no idea what was going on 99% of the time. Unsure of who was around him, where he was, why he was there. He believed at times he was at a hotel and he was insisting on making sure it was paid for. Every time he would get a meal to eat , he would ask for the bill and would want to pay it.

This is so hard to watch, as it is not my grandpa. He is not the man I know. He is in there somewhere, but this disease has taken over his mind and it’s horrible to watch, to see it affect my grandma and my dad, and the rest of my family, and it’s hard to be on this side watching pa get frustrated because at times I truly believe he know’s something is wrong.

 

Lastly, there’s my mom. I’ve mentioned on here before, she has a lot of health issues, depression included. The problem, though, is she doesn’t seem to be moving forward in her treatment. She uses her therapy sessions as a time to complain, rather than a time to let things out, and then challenge herself to change things. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be able to just unload on your therapist, because I do that too, the difference is, my therapist listens, AND when I’m done, challenges me to try things differently in order to make things better. She doesn’t just say “oh I’m sorry it’s going like that” and then “I’ll see you next week”. So my mom has been super irritable lately, and no matter what you say to her, she snaps back at you. And I’ve gotten to the point where I’m standing up and speaking up, asking her why is she so crabby, or standing up for myself, or at times, I quit responding at all because I’m not looking to get into an argument and I refuse to respond to her when she is seeking an argument out. It feels like no matter what she’s looking for a  fight, and I’m tired of it. Dad’s tired of it, and neither one of us knows what to do anymore. We have tried going to therapy with her before for family sessions, but it ends up as as fight, with her saying “you are just teaming up against me” and other crap like that. We AREN’T against her, we are TRYING to get her to realize she has to be the one to make some changes in her own recovery to be able to move forward and feel better. SHE has to come to a level of acceptance that she at this point is refusing to do. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or giving in, it just means you no longer want whatever it is in control of your life to no longer be in control. Acceptance is taking the control back into your own hands and preparing to move forward. Mom and I are always fighting it seems like lately, and I’m tired of it. I’m missing the mom I used to have, the person she used to be. I miss my friend I no longer have.

 

 

So Here We Are

I’ve been home from Canada for over a week now……sorry I haven’t posted anything lately…..I’ve had this urge to post, but truly just couldn’t convince myself that what I had to say was important enough to put out there for people to see. Today I decided I was going to write a post and not worry about if people would respond well, or respond at all. So here we are.

This past week has been up and down. I was still running on a bit of a high from being on vacation for a week, but then my first 2 days back at work were two of the most busy days I have ever had at work. I started this job in October last year, and this past week I had two days in a row with more than one guest coming in back to back…..Tuesday I had 3 guests come in with no more than 20 minutes between them. My job is to help people having a mental health crisis……so it’s not just people come in and stay a few minutes and leave, it’s they come in, go through an assessment, then come back and talk with me for no shorter than 45 minutes, then they go through an exit assessment and then I have paperwork to enter into the computer. the whole process usually takes about 60-90 minutes per individual, sometimes more. We are only open from 3-9 pm so when 3 people come in to utilize our services all on the same night, it can be a bit overwhelming…..especially because I was the only one working, I didn’t have a co-worker those days last week. We usually have 2 of us there so as to be able to help everyone more efficiently, but my co-worker called in those days.

Then, I had ECT treatment on Friday, so I was down for the count for most of the day. I am glad this treatment is available to me as it seems to be very efficient combine with my daily medications. I have ECT 1x a month so as to help boost the effects of my medication and help to keep my depression and anxiety stable.

Saturday, my grandpa fell down and my grandma couldn’t get him back up. He was complaining his back was hurting him really bad, so grandma called the ambulance and they took him to the ER where they did cat scans and x-rays to make sure nothing was broken. All the tests came back fine, and they sent him home with pain meds. Yesterday, however, pa woke up in tremendous pain and was unable to move to get himself out of bed. Grandma called 911 again and the paramedics again took him to the hospital where they ran tests again to make sure nothing was indeed broken and they ended up admitting him because of the amount of pain he was experiencing. They were trying to get him into the rehab facility portion of the hospital, but the Dr. said he probably wouldn’t qualify and that they were going to look into nursing homes for him to recover at. Pa was really confused, the pain meds didn’t help, and he kept asking where he was and why he was there and tried getting out of bed, so they had to put an alarm on his bed and they had a nurse sitting with him all the time in his room. I feel bad for Pa and Grandma alike. I feel bad for Pa because I know he’s in pain and just wants to be home. I feel bad for Grandma because I know she’s hurting watching her love go through what he’s going through. She had promised him she’d never put him into a nursing home and I though he probably wouldn’t remember it, she would, and it hurts her to see him deteriorating. It hurts all of us. I have a close relationship with my grandparents, and I talk to grandma at least 4x a week. It’s hard knowing they won’t be here forever, and that the time is fading fast.

Today I was supposed to work, but I told my boss what was going on with my grandpa, and before I even had a chance to ask for today off of work she said to me “you’re lucky to still have your grandparents around, you need to go spend time with them” and she told me not to come to work today. What a blessing.

 

Time is precious

I got to my grandparents house today around 11 am. Usually on Tuesday’s I have therapy at 3:30pm and then head over to pa and grandmas for dinner with my cousin and them and then we watch dancing with the Stars together. It’s just time to be together. But today I didn’t have therapy or anything else going on for that matter, and I decided to come on up here and just spend the day with them. I got here and the speech therapist from home health was here working with pa as he just got out of the hospital a couple weeks ago. I sat there watching, listening, just taking it all in. I realized how hard of a time Patty was having with some of the things she was asking him to do. I realized just how poor his cognitive skills are and that pa isn’t the same pa as even just a few years ago. I realized all this, but I also realized how lucky I am. Lucky that he’s still alive that he’s still living in his house and just lucky to be so close to him and grandma that I have the opportunity to just spend time with them. I love the relationship I have with pa and grandma. I love that we are so close, in distance and in our relationship. I love them to the moon and back and I want to just soak it all in. I never want them to die, though I know it will happen. I don’t want to have regrets when it does. I don’t want to say I wish I had spent more time with them, or that I wish I had asked……

I want to know I loved them to the fullest and that I gave back to them just as much as they gave me. I want to just soak in their mannerisms, their smell, their laughs, and their quirkiness. I want to be able to close my eyes and feel their touch, see their faces and know they’re alive within me. I say all this as a reminder to myself to live each moment I have with people to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised.