“I’m Lookin’ For The Brighter Days To Come My Way”- Leeland

So I know it’s been forever since I posted last. I honestly hadn’t even thought about posting until it was suggested to me yesterday by my best friend as something to do to hopefully help me feel better some. So here we are. April 30th was my last day at my job. It was the last day I will walk through those doors for a long time. I want so desperately to go back and speak for them in the schools or hospitals, but I can’t get myself to do it because of the way everything happened and the way I am feeling right now. They told me my job was being eliminated awhile ago and that my last day would be either when I found a new job, or when they found someone for the new position they had created that was only 20 hours a week and I apparently didn’t have the skill set for (this was according to one of my co-workers I won’t name). Well, they filled the position, so here I am, sitting at home, no job, no purpose, no nothing. My depression has increased to the max, and the thoughts in my head are nonstop. I feel lonely, hopeless, and just depressed and anxious. I feel as if I wasn’t good enough. I feel as though they wanted me gone. Well, with the exception of my one supervisor Patty, I know she wanted me to stay. I feel lost. I have been looking for a new job, but at the same time feeling so unmotivated and blah. I just want this to all end. I have been having increased thoughts of self-harm, and even the suicidal thoughts have increased. There have been a couple of days where I find I can’t even get myself to leave my bed. My psychiatrist wants me in the outpatient program, but they don’t take my insurance for outpatient. She’s trying to get me in through the assistance program, but it’s a process and so far nothing. I have been taking up to 3 xanax a day just to slow my thoughts and keep down the anxiety. I have this feeling of just wanting so bad to cry, but it’s like my body just won’t let me. It’s all building up on the inside and it has no way out.

I’m pissed. I’m scared, and I’m wanting to know if and when this will get better. I started with the organization I was working for as a client back in 2009 then as a volunteer, then I was trained as a peer specialist, then I was hired full time in the position I was just let go from. So for almost 10 years I have been part of this organization and it just seemed so easy for them to say see ya. As if I had no impact on anything, as if I didn’t really matter, as if everything I have ever done meant nothing. For an organization that is supposed to be there to help people they really let me down. I don’t know what I did, or what I didn’t do. I feel stupid, not up to par. I feel confused, and really really angry. I just feel like a failure. I feel like I’m moving backwards in my own recovery and I feel, for lack of better terms, crazy.

How many of you out there have ever felt as if you just didn’t matter anymore. I know there are a lot of people outside of this job that care about me. I know this. I believe this. But the way this all happened with this job, it made me feel as if I was just disposable and like I don’t matter. It makes it really hard to hear people say they care and that I matter and believe it. Because people at this job were telling me that too, then they just basically said see ya. Patty and others around me tell me not to take it personally, but how can I not? How can I not think that this has something to do with my abilities, my skills? I wasn’t even offered the new position. I just wasn’t good enough. I’m not good enough.

I have to thank people like my friend Johanna and my parents, for just being there. For telling me good morning each day and for just encouraging me. I may not be in a state of mind where I can fully believe that it’s going to be ok, but just knowing you aren’t giving up on me too…..that means a lot. You all are the reason I am keeping going. You all are the reason I am not giving in to the thoughts in my head. It’s hard. Because I am a visual person. My thoughts aren’t just thoughts like a normal person. I see my thoughts in pictures. So when I think about self harm, I see myself doing it in my head, and it triggers me more. I don’t know how to make my thoughts not be in pictures, they have always been that way, ever since I was small. Life is a bitch and it’s not easy. I never would expect it to be easy, but I would at least like a break of some sort to just feel normal. To feel as if what I do and say is being heard, is making a difference, and to feel like I want to participate in my own life. I want to feel like I can. I want to feel like I will. I want to feel like I have and I want to feel like I’m not disposable.

Dad is making me go with him to Wisconsin this weekend. We will be leaving tomorrow afternoon. He wants to get me out of the house, the area, and just somewhere else in the hopes that it will help to disconnect from my head for awhile. I hope it works, even if just for a short period of time. I hope it doesn’t turn into a weekend of having to fake it and pretend I’m ok when I’m not….because that takes more energy than I have at this point. I don’t know when this will all be better. I don’t know when I will be able to say it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I could just flip a switch and the depression and anxiety would go away. Unfortunately, that’s not possible. So for now, I just keep going, minute by minute, day by day. I trust in God and pray for hope and healing. I lean on my parents and Johanna. I just want it to all be over.

Thanks for “listening” I know this post probably means nothing to most of you reading it. It probably just sounds like a complaining session. Well, I’m just using this blog to vent it all out, so that’s just the way it is.

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When your friend has cancer and it’s only a matter of weeks……

One of my biggest supports, her son has brain cancer. He is only 4 years older than me and I have known him for a long time. He is a good friend too, and I think so highly of him. He is a great guy, married, and has a 3 year old son. He loves to go hunting and the White Sox (I’ll forgive him for that)…..He is always thinking of everyone else and he always has a great big smile on his face. I’ve never known him to be mean to others and it is evident how much he loves his family. He was diagnosed over a year ago with an inoperable brain tumor and over the last couple of weeks they found he has a lot of fluid surrounding his brain and the tumors have spread down his spine. They are only giving him a matter of weeks to live. He decided still to do chemo and radiation so as to do everything he can to stay alive for his little boy….even though it is less than a 1% chance the treatments will even do anything helpful. I feel helpless. His mom is someone who has supported me through so much, so many times in the hospital for psych issues and all that….and now, it’s my turn to support her and her family and I feel lost, helpless, scared, and completely unsure as to how to help and support them. I have told her I’m here for her, only a phone call away at any given time. I have given her hugs and sent random text messages just saying I’m thinking of her and her family. But it just doesn’t seem like enough……I don’t know that anything truly would be enough. I can’t imagine being in her position, knowing that at any time her boy could die. I just want to make things better, help her and her son. I want to know why this is happening, why it has to be him and why it has to be this way. I know those are only things God can answer, but it just seems so wrong. Please, if you are reading this, pray for my friend and the family. Pray for hope, peace, and comfort to come over them.