“Maybe This Is Just The Way It Had To Be….All These Thoughts I Can’t Ignore, Thoughts That Whisper In A Quiet Roar”– Remedy Drive ‘God I Hope So’

**SELF HARM WARNING***

I had my ECT treatment yesterday….. about an hour into my sleeping when I got home, I received a text from my supervisor saying that the Director said she will keep me on staff at the same amount of hours until I find a new job, or they fill the new position. So I am happy in one sense, because I don’t have to continue to scramble to find something by July 1st and worry about new insurance (at this moment), but at the same time I am not happy at all. I feel a mix of emotions. I feel defeated and used. I feel as if they are only keeping me on because they want to help themselves….but yet I’m not good enough to keep on for the future…..only until I find a new job or they fill the new position. I feel angry. I feel alone, and I feel like none of this is for my own benefit at all. I can almost guarantee that if they find someone before I find a new job, they won’t give me notice, that’s just the way they are. As my title of this blog says though…….Maybe this is just the way it had to be. I don’t know, but I know I don’t like it. Honestly, I’m thinking of just walking. Just up and leave the organization and not worry about the medical bills and such until they come. But I know I can’t do that. I have to “tough it out” and take what I can get and be grateful for the opportunity to still be working while looking for another position. (Man I pulled those words out of my ass lol).

Tomorrow is Father’s day. I have a feeling it will be the last Father’s day we have with my dad’s dad, my grandpa. It hurts just to think about it. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I can’t imagine what it’s going to do to my dad, my grandma, ….all of us.

I’ve been having more self-harm thoughts/ impulses lately. More so the impulses…..as I have been dealing with the thoughts every day for a long time. The impulses though, those can be different. They are the moments I’m eating with a steak knife and all of a sudden wish I had used it on myself and not my food.  Or when I use a razor in the bathroom and it takes everything within me not to use it to intentionally cut myself. The stress from work hasn’t  been helping this either. I’m glad I had ECT yesterday though, because it helped to tame them down for now. They for sure aren’t gone, but it’s not the constant, overwhelming, ongoing impulses.

Do any of you ever just feel so down, so depressed, but so grateful and blessed all at the same time? I am going for a certification called CRSS, Certified Recovery, Support Specialist. Well, it costs $125 for just the test. It was $75 just in the application fee. Well, some people at my church, they are in my Adult Sunday School class, they had asked me last week how the process was going. I told them honestly I don’t have the money to take the test right now, so I’m hoping at some job interviews I can say I have applied and just have to take the test, and that the job would pay for it. Well, these people in my class, they responded with this, “We don’t have our checkbook today, but we want to pay for your test. We want to help you.” I received a check and a card on Wednesday this past week. I cried for a long time, I’m still baffled. I just can’t believe that they did that. That they saw enough hope, purpose, and whatever else within ME to want to do that. I mentioned in the last post I just don’t feel I have a meaning, a purpose, and I don’t feel much hope at all. The only thing I can be hopeful in is Christ, which really is all I need. I am so grateful for these people in my class, so blessed to know them, and just so thankful. I just am still having a hard time figuring out why they love me when I can’t and don’t even love myself.

I’m sorry this post probably means nothing to any of you. I just use this blog as more of a journal, a way to get things out and feel heard, but not feel like I’m going to be judged or get in trouble for what I have to say. I appreciate all of my followers, and I don’t know what I’d do without the comments, or likes you all leave me.

Thank you all.

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They Say It’s Going To Be Okay…..But It Doesn’t Feel That Way At All.

So, I think I mentioned in my last post about how my position at work is basically being eliminated due to budget issues. Well, I have until July to find a new job and I haven’t been getting any bites on my resume……I had 2 job prospects at 2 different places, but both would require me to work every weekend, and that is just not something I can commit to. I just built a community of support at a new church over the last 2 years and I can’t give that up, it wouldn’t be good for my own recovery and I can recognize that. I have applications out at other places too, and just haven’t been hearing anything back. I feel completely hopeless. I don’t know what I’m going to do when July comes and I don’t have a new job…..I need insurance for all my ECT treatments and meds etc. I don’t know how I’ll be able to pay for COBRA insurance, and I just have so much anxiety inside of me right now it’s ridiculous.

I have been going to work and feeling completely unmotivated and just dreading it each morning when I wake up. All because of how they went about this, what they did, and how betrayed I feel. Honestly, if I had a choice in this, I would just walk now….but as I said, I need the insurance as long as possible.

On top of all the work stuff, my sister got engaged last weekend. I know, I know, I should be happy for her……and I am in some ways. And at the same time I feel jealous. Out of all 5 kids (my 3 cousins and then my sister and I) I am now the only one who doesn’t have either a husband, fiance, or significant other. I am the only one alone. The only one who doesn’t have that relationship. I never have, and honestly, believe and feel like I never will. I feel so unworthy of being loved by a man. I feel so stupid, ugly, and worthless. I feel as though no one will ever love me, how could they? I can hardly make friends……yes I have a few, and I love them to death. I have a best friend whom I can rely on for anything, and I know she is always there for me. But my head tells me I am unworthy. Ever since I was a teenager and was shot down by guys when I asked them to go to a dance with me, or hang out, or in college when guys just showed no interest in me either, to now that I’m almost 32 y/o and I wouldn’t even know how to go about meeting someone or dating someone. I just feel unlovable, unworthy, ugly, and stupid. My sister is a bitch. No lying there. She is not nice to me or my mom, He is a great guy, he is funny and just ideal. But God bless him honestly. I hope he knows what he’s getting into.

I know this is a random post….talking about work, then relationships, and now I’m just going to say that I have really been having a hard time…..mostly because of the things mentioned above, but the self injury thoughts are coming up more often, stronger, and I just feel blah. I feel somewhat better than I did now that my psychiatrist changed one of my meds, but I am far off still from being where I want to be and need to be. I just feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel more stupid than I ever have and I feel incapable of succeeding in life. I just have no hope for the future, and I hate that feeling. I’m scared. Anxious. Lonely. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either. (no I’m not suicidal, I just am saying how I feel. I won’t do anything to hurt myself, and I would tell someone if it got to that point. I can promise you all that).

I know I have supports around me. My best friend, my parents, my grandma, my therapist and psychiatrist, people from church. I just feel so ashamed sometimes to speak up and say anything. I just want to cry all the time, but the tears just don’t seem to come, so in turn I get this blank empty look on my face and when someone asks what’s wrong I just respond with “I’m just tired” because as I’ve said before, there are times where it’s like the words just haven’t been invented yet to describe how I feel. It’s like everything and nothing is going through my head all at the same time.

That Feeling Of Betrayal…. When All You’ve Done Is Good, And It Seems To Be Looked Right Over

So this post is a bit late…..mostly because I needed time to really think about what was going on. To think about what happened, and I felt like I couldn’t put the right words to it  without possibly saying something I would regret.

I work for a non-profit organization that helps individuals and families of individuals with a mental health diagnosis. I started volunteering for this organization back in 2009 and since then I have done things like speaking in hospitals, police departments, and schools about my story of living with a diagnosis, but also about the hope and the fact that recovery is possible. I have led support groups for individuals with a diagnosis, and helped at the fundraisers. I have worked as a peer counselor working 1-1 with individuals who are at a point that they need a mentor type figure in their recovery to help them to set and achieve their recovery goals. I worked as a peer in the Living Room, which is an ER alternative for individuals experiencing heightened symptoms but not quite to the point of needing the services of an ER. I have been a front desk greeter, and so much more. I have poured my life into this organization for the last 9 years, hoping that my experiences would help others to find hope in their struggles and reach towards recovery. And now? Now I get asked to meet with my supervisors about 2 weeks ago only to be told that they are “changing the dynamic of my current position” that the hours will be cut from 30 down to 20 a week, and that they are going to advertise for this position online. So basically, they are saying I’m fired, but if you ask them they are just “changing the job description and they just don’t feel the job would be the best for my current skill sets” They are telling me that I am not being pushed out, or that I am no longer wanted, but that they hope this would be an opportunity to find something I love to do. WELL…..I have loved working with this organization for the last 9 years, if I didn’t I would have left before. They are telling me I have until July 1st to find a new job.

I am Pissed. I am feeling like a failure, abandoned, betrayed. I am feeling like it was easy for them to do this, like I just don’t matter, like what I have given to this organization hasn’t meant a thing. I feel lost, scared, and while I know I have support from my best friend and my family, I at times still feel alone. I don’t know what I am going to do for a job, as I need a full time position with insurance because I still have ECT treatments 1x every other week, so I need to find a job that I can work around that schedule too…….all within a month. Talk about pressure, anxiety and fear. I feel like I’m shutting down. I feel like I have no options. I feel overwhelmed.

My supervisor, Patty, said this was really hard for her. I believe her. She is an amazing person and I consider her a friend. I just feel like she could have fought harder for me. I don’t know.

How many times can I fail in life before I just give up. I’m not a quitter, I know that, but this is really effecting me in a lot of ways. I’m angry at the organization, angry at the people, and angry at myself for not doing a better job that they would want to keep me. I just feel worthless…..like I said before, it feels like it’s been easy for the higher ups to do this. As if I haven’t given my all, given my life, and given my recovery to this place. None of that seems to matter…..I don’t seem to matter to them at all.

 

“For Now I’ll Wait, For the Rain To Pass Away……..I’m Lookin’ For The Brighter Days To Come My Way……” – Leeland ‘Brighter Days’

So I know I go through phases of writing on here and not. I know I don’t write that often when it comes to good things going on in my life. I can tell you, that’s because I use this blog as more of a release, a journal of sorts to let things out when things get rough. Don’t get me wrong, good things do happen in my life, and I know I should write more about that, but I feel like writing on here when I’m struggling really helps me. To know that even one person reads it helps me to know that I am heard. I thank you all for that.

The last few weeks/ month or so have not been the greatest at my work.  I have been struggling to feel as if I am wanted there, as if I am appreciated, and honestly, I feel as though I’m not good enough. Not smart enough. Nothing good enough for some of the people at there. My supervisor has gotten better. She has not been talking down to me, and instead has been standing up for me. Telling the “big boss” that I am needed there, and that she needs me too. I’m not going to get into all the details, but let’s just say, I dread going in to work, and I have been looking for another job. The only thing is, is I need a job that will give me Friday’s off as I have ECT treatments on Fridays every other week. I need a job that will be flexible with me and my hours so I can still get insurance and still have my treatments.

I’m scared. I feel as if I can’t do it. I feel stupid. I feel hopeless, and I feel alone. With the one exception of my friend from work, no one seems to understand. I appreciate my friend. I don’t know what I would do without her. She just…..gets it. She gets me. and she gets what it’s like to feel the way I do.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I can find another job. All I know is I can’t go down to 20 hours a week and lose my insurance where I’m at.

Anyway. That’s not all that’s been going on. My grandpa is only getting worse with his dementia and it’s heartbreaking to watch. He doesn’t know our names anymore and it’s killing me. I feel scared of losing him, but hate watching him go through what he’s going through all at the same time.

My mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. I hate it. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but she’s forgetting everything lately too, and always wants the last word or to argue about things. It’s frustrating as hell. I want out, but have nowhere to go and wouldn’t be able to support myself either. I feel like such a failure in life. I’ll never be good enough for anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Trying So Hard, But Feeling As If I’m Useless.

So I’ve said it before, but my boss at work has this way of looking at me as if I’m stupid. She talks down to me at times and just makes me feel insufficient, dumb, and useless. There are times I want to just quit. Say, “If you don’t think I’m helpful, or you don’t think you need me then I’m just going to leave and not come back.” The thing is, is my heart is attached to the organization I work for. I am 100% behind the mission of it, I just am finding after some changes were made and my job became split between 2 departments, the stress and anxiety of it all has increased to a level of terrible. If that even makes sense. I just know that I go to work, I do my best, and for the one boss at least, my best just doesn’t seem good enough. Which leads me to think that I am not good enough. Then it leads to more anxious thoughts and stress and that just leads to making mistakes. Then I live up to what I believe my boss thinks about me and being stupid. Anyway…..that was just a rant I needed to get off of my chest. I know I’ve bitched about it before, and I can tell you I am actively looking for other job opportunities, it’s just hard because I have ECT every other Friday so to find a job that is willing to let me work only 4 days a week and still have the benefit of insurance is hard. I’m running into brick walls is what it feels like. I feel like a complete failure.

I feel like I have had some major successes in the last 2 years. I was able to come off of social security disability because I was hired at this job and receive insurance from it. I was able to start saving money instead of just taking the check from each month to pay for my car, my student loans, and rent. Not to say I am making all that much money, but it’s felt good to be able to do these things. It’s always been my goal to come off of disability. To work hard enough to get to a point in my recovery where I am able to work each day. Well, I’m struggling. With the depression. BAD. I’m wanting to cry but find my body just won’t let me. With the exception of this past Thursday at work, when I made a mistake, that really turned out not being my fault at all, but at the time I didn’t know that and I just sat at my desk and cried because I didn’t want to tell my boss because I was scared of what she would say to me. How she would say it, and the looks she would give me while shaming me for the mistake. I was able to cry then.

The depression lately, it’s been leading to anger at home and frustration with myself and those close to me. I’m anxious most of the time and I find I just can’t explain what’s going on. I tell my therapist, “it’s like the words haven’t even been invented yet for what’s going on in my head.” It’s scary. I’m scared because even with the ECT treatments I’m still struggling. I feel, crummy. I feel like there’s no hope for me. That maybe some med or treatment will work for a year at the most then I slowly start crashing……slowly if I’m lucky…..otherwise it’s just happened, just like that and I can’t explain it at all. Last night, even with 3 sleeping meds, I was awake over 6 times, and not all those times were because of nightmares, but some of them were just because I just couldn’t sleep. My mind is constantly going. Why this, why that, why not this why not that, when can I ……., why don’t I……, how many days until I die? How many more times will I have to deal with this? etc. And those are just a few of the thoughts that go through my head. I’d be typing for years to tell you all the thoughts I have.

I have been having the self harm thoughts at an increased rate lately too. Let me be clear, I have not hurt myself since 8/12/12, but I have had some sort of self harm thought every day since then. It’s just lately? …..the thoughts have been increased, more vivid and the urges to do these things have been stronger and harder to fight. I HAVE NOT done anything…..I can promise you that, but the energy it takes to fight off these urges is a lot. It’s not easy, and I just want it all to stop.

The suicidal thoughts are there too. Like, I wake up in the morning, realize I woke up, and then have the thoughts of “darn, I’m still alive” or “God, why couldn’t you have taken me while I was sleeping last night.” I have thoughts throughout the day along the lines of “I’d be better off dead” or ” I know it would hurt my family and couple of friends, but if they knew just how bad this all hurt me, they’d be glad  I was out of pain. They’d be glad after awhile without me around, because they would know how much of burden I truly was.” I’ve attempted suicide before. Years ago. I have no intent or plan to do so again, it’s just these thoughts that keep coming up and getting in my way. These thoughts that lead to the hopelessness. These thoughts that cause me to really have to try to smile and work hard at making it as if it’s all ok. Even though it’s not.

My insides are a mushy mess of emotions that I have no way of getting out because I have no label for most of them. As I said, I just feel, crummy. I feel as though my head is spinning, but my feet are staying still. It leads me to feel sick and most of all tired of trying to keep up.

“I Don’t Know How You Do It”…….”Yeah, Neither Do I”

God has been blessing me over the last week. Or maybe I should say it this way, I have been seeing God’s blessings to me this past week. I am still struggling, hard, with the depression, but there have just been some times in the last week where I can truly say “God did that”. There’s a co-worker of mine— Rachel— Who has also been struggling lately and she saw a facebook post I had put up and she texted me to let me know that I wasn’t the only one feeling as if there was no positive feedback within our office. She let me know that I am doing a good job, and that she can see it bothers me that I try so hard and then get no feedback other than things like “well you could have ……” or “why didn’t you …….” it’s frustrating and it wares on a persons self-esteem fast. It’s just been good to know Rachel sees it too, that I’m not alone in this as a staff member at our office.

Another viewing of God is my friend Johanna. She just seems to be there to give a hug at all the right times. She comes into the office for her meetings and they all just seem to be at the right moment. She makes me laugh, and we are even going to go to lunch today and just hang out. I’m really looking forward to that. I am anxious about it too….and I know she’s reading this blog, and I just want to say, I’m only anxious because I am not used to having friends who are truly interested in me or interested in getting to know me as a person, not just a coworker or whatever. I’m not used to having friends ….. only acquaintances. Johanna is an amazing friend though, always knows just when to text a “hello” or “good morning” and just seems to “get me” she understands where I’m coming from and it doesn’t scare her away.

After lunch with Johanna today I’m going to grandmas house with a bunch of my family to make potato pancakes. It should be interesting. I say that because, well, I don’t know why. I am anxious about this too, and I’m not really sure why I am anxious about it. It’s just going to be a few cousins, my mom, aunt and uncle, my grandma and possibly my sister and a friend at some point. I guess I’m anxious because my depression has been overwhelming, and it’s going to be hard to stay focused, in the moment, present with my family, and not “zone out” or isolate within the group of people. I suppose this is also known as dissociation. It hasn’t happened in a long time for me, but I just have been feeling lately like it’s been harder and harder to stay in the moment and while I have been able to up to now, I don’t know I will be able to later today. I don’t know for sure, so we shall see.

I don’t know how many people actually read this blog, and I’ve said that before, but I just want to let you all know, I write exactly what’s on my mind and I do this as a way to let it all out. I have found that writing in a journal doesn’t work, because I feel like I’m not truly “getting it out” because no one is seeing it. With this blog though, even though you all are strangers, I feel like I’m being heard, that my deepest thoughts and aches and questions of life are being heard and acknowledged, that I am not just writing, but I am writing and people are “hearing me” it does a lot for me to know I’m being heard. So thank you to every single one of you who have ever read my blog, liked it or commented on it. I really appreciate you all.

 

“Always Stay Humble And Kind……”

Well, a few things have happened since I wrote last……so here we go.

As many of you know, my sister and I do not get along…..I mean, I love her because she’s my sister, but she’s not my friend. Granted, things have gotten let’s say about 2% better over the last year but even that is a stretch. Well, for those of you who have read my blog before, you know that I have a mental illness. I have been working for years on this illness to get to the point where I could work a full time job and come off of social security disability. I’m 31, and I feel like I am behind in a sense from where I “should” be at this age. I live with my parents, and I don’t have a boyfriend, and I just feel like I’m failing because of my illness. I feel like this illness has caused me to fall behind in life and what I mean by that is I don’t feel like I can relate to people my age who at this time seem to be buying homes, getting married, and having kids, and I’m just here working a 30 hour a week job living with my parents. Anyway, while I feel behind, I know at the same time that I have come a long way through a lot of challenges and struggles and circumstances that others my age have not had to endure. I am moving forward just at a different pace than my peers. And I have to be ok with that. I have to be ok with the fact that I am different and that my life does look different from others my age. Anyways, the reason I’m bringing this up is because last week I had a complete break down. Long story short (if that’s even possible lol) I was running into some problems with my insurance company and they were saying they weren’t going to be covering my depression treatments that I have every 2 weeks, and the only way I could get it paid for would be to pay over $500 to Medicare….which I was trying to get off of when I ended my social security disability. When the disability ended I had the option of paying for 2 years to continue the medicare, or I could just have it stop. Well, I wanted to just go on my works insurance and go from there. Then I found out my work insurance like I said, wasn’t going to cover these treatments because they were showing that I still had medicare (when I didn’t at that point) and it was just a mess, let’s put it that way. Well, it created a lot of anxiety in me and I came home that night and my dad said he would pay the $ to medicare to get the treatments covered for the next couple of months and then we would figure out how to make sure the medicare ended/ was cancelled correctly and that my work insurance would be able to cover it. I broke down. I broke down because I felt like a complete failure, like I couldn’t take care of myself, pay for my own healthcare, and that I just wasn’t good enough. This all came a few days after my parents got a good deal on new mattresses from a friend who owns a mattress store and they bought me a new bed. Well, my sister found out about this, and called my dad and went off on him saying things like “why the heck are you buying her a bed?! She should be paying for this on her own! She is an adult and needs to be responsible and act like it!” Well, she was yelling at my dad loud enough I was able to hear her through the phone. This made me feel like shit. I never asked my parents to buy that bed. I even offered to pay them back for it. They told me they got a really good deal for buying 2 and that I didn’t have to pay them back. So I graciously accepted it. But when a few days later all that happened with the insurance and I needed my dad to pay the deductible because I didn’t have the money (but I am paying him back in payments) I felt worthless. I felt like I had failed at life. Failed at everything. I broke down to the point where I was crying and my depression and anxiety was horrible in that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, not even 2 ativan had an effect on it. This moment in time I was having thoughts I hadn’t had in a long time. Thoughts about actually hurting myself, and yes, I have those thoughts every day, about self harm, but the daily thoughts are more like passing thoughts that I am able to just ignore. These thoughts that night were thoughts about what am I going to use to cut myself, how can I hide it from my parents, and when I could do it. I had thoughts about the release I would feel and that it would make it all better. I couldn’t get these thoughts to go away. All I could do was shake, cry, and let my dad just hold me tight because I think he could tell what was going on in my head. He hugged me and held me and just kept saying I love you and it’s going to be ok, we’re in this together. If it weren’t for him and my mom that night I truly believe I would have hurt myself badly and probably ended up in the hospital. I took an extra ativan and was able to go to sleep though it was restless; but I didn’t hurt myself and I made it through.

I’m doing much better than that night for sure. Things have settled down, but I’m still in a rough spot of depression. I pray each night God would just take me in His arms and end this pain inside my head.

My grandpa is not doing any better either. He usually is ok mood wise up until about 3 pm when it the day starts to drag on and come to an end. My parents and I went over to the place he is at 2 days ago after I got off of work at 5 pm. He was agitated, restless, angry, confused, and just saying some really mean things. He was trying to stand up and setting off the alarm on his wheel chair. He didn’t want to eat his dinner and kept getting angry at dad for trying to help him eat. He was swearing at my dad and I for telling him to stay seated in his chair that we didn’t want him to fall. He doesn’t understand he cannot do what he used to be able to do because he isn’t strong enough. His dementia has worsened and I know it’s not him when he tells me to shut the hell up or to get the F*** out, I know that’s not my grandpa, but it’s the disease. But it still hurts. It hurts to watch him diminish and know that he will never be the same. It’s hard to know he will never be the pa I know and love and would joke with. He will never be that person again, and that kills me. When he got to the point where he was just so agitated that he was getting even more mean and not stopping, we decided to leave and let the nurses handle him for the night. I made it out to the hallway and I lost it. I just broke down crying because I just want my pa back. I just him to not have to go through this struggle where he has no idea what is going on, but at the same time believes he does…..he believes he is on a train, or at times on a fishing boat, or all these other things. I can’t just not go out and visit him, because he doesn’t always remember my name. I can’t do that. I have to continue to go see him, let him know I love him and that he’s not alone. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about how bad it hurts to watch him struggle, but it’s about loving him and letting him know he isn’t forgotten, he’s still my pa, he’s still my family and I will love him forever.